Thick Skin.

I've never had it.

I am an interminably sensitive person. Sometimes the smallest things can crush my feelings.

Sometimes I lay in bed and think about how nice it would be to just not care. To not care what people think. To not care that that one woman at school today really snapped at me. Or, better yet, to not assume that it must be because she doesn't like me.

To be clear: There are certain moments that I don't care what people think. For example, I didn't care on my first day of my second semester of senior year of college what people thought about the fact I wore hot pink sweat pants, a long-sleeved t-shirt with a blue sweater over it and ugg boots to every class that day. I remember my bff CD- hook- seeing me in class that night asking me something to the effect of, wtf are you wearing?

I laughed.

I can mismatch my clothes all day long. I can go days without makeup and with messy hair. Why? Because I know on the inside that I have the ability to dress very nicely with very hot shoes and that I have pretty awesome hair. Really, I do. I'm just saying.

But when it comes to what people think of my character. When it comes to what people think of me as a person- crazy/not crazy. smart/stupid. good person/bad person. nice/mean. like her/hate her. I care more than I probably should.

I know that in all honesty I make a concerted effort to be nice to people. I know that I am a good person and try my best to do the right thing. I know that I am a Christian and believe that loving people is the ultimate sign of my faith. But I am self-conscious of people thinking I am crazy.

I am pretty sure that I'm not. I am pretty sure that I have very strong emotions and get my feelings hurt easily. I do cry a lot sometimes. I worry that this translates in other people's minds as me being crazy- and for whatever reason, that is a thought I can't bear. I can't stand the thought of people thinking I'm a nut job.

Put me in a hot pink sweatsuit though, and I'm good to go.