Bad blogger with excuses

T-6, pretty much 5 by now, days until the WEDDING. And once it's all over, I will be able to breath... and blog... regularly again.

Tomorrow is my second to last day of work before I head up to Dallas to take care of final preparations and get ready to marry my wonderful husband, again, in a chapel with a minister this time. : )

I am so excited for the day, and yet so excited for the day to be over so that my life can just be centered around teaching, cheer coaching and hanging out. No more wedding thoughts hanging out in the bag of my mind, crowding my schedule.

And, I've almost finished my first whole semester in a new place! Teaching elementary kids! Coaching middle school girls! Without the immediate presence of my friend and mentor PR to tell me what to do. I survived on my own, and, from what my co-workers tell me, I've settled in nicely. It brings relief to my heart and soul to know I can do this on my own.

Now... December 19, please get here.

PS: CB has conveniently returned to his medical school for mandatory meetings and classes until Thursday. Way to escape, sir, way to escape. : )

Brief middle of the week words

Yesterday's good thing: ?....?....? I mean, it's not that everything was bad... it is just that I can't think of any good.

Today's good thing: I finished my lesson plans for next week... EARLY! They are due by end of tomorrow and I finished them today!!

My issue is this lately:

I leave school every day, good or bad day, and reminisce on what it was like to teach older kids and how much I miss older kids. And then I end up asking myself: Why am I teaching young kids? What on earth is my purpose here? Do I need to be teaching this young of age group? I must be here for a reason... but what is it?

And so far my answers have come up something like this: ....uhh.... ?????

So right now? I am praying for the answer to WHY on earth I am teaching 3rd-5th graders when I feel so clearly cut out for middle school/high school.

Meanwhile, I like driving my car fast. And CB and I finally caught up on housework. We scrubbed our house and our cars clean this weekend. It was heavenly. I did no schoolwork but I live in a mighty clean house lately.

The Sunshine after the Rainz.

Well, I must say thank you to those who sent me encouraging emails, made encouraging comments on my facebook and left encouraging comments here. I woke up feeling more like I could face the world/the parent and didn't dread driving to school.

Which brings me to today's good thing/bad thing.

Good thing:

Not related to the school I teach at now, but instead related to my old school...

I logged onto facebook this afternoon. One of my former students (as I allow them to friend me since I no longer work at their school, AND they are strictly on limited view for me) had this status message:

Suzy Good Student: misses Ms. C sooooooooooooooooo much.

With these comments below:

Darling Child: ugh me too!!!

Darling Child 2: so bad!!!!!!!!!!!

So, while not related to my day to day job right now... it is safe to say that this brightened my whole week.

Good thing related to the school I teach at now:

I have a phenomenal boss and head of school who both have been tremendously supportive of me in this minor ordeal of meeting with this parent. Both have lifted me up and encouraged me and let me know that this kind of thing is really actually a regular thing with this parent. And the head of school said he is going to sit in on the meeting with the parent tomorrow, not because I can't handle it, but because she is the type of woman who can get... you know... mean.

I also work at an incredible school where we are allowed to pray openly for one another and I had an entire faculty of elementary, middle and high school teachers pray for me this morning as they knew I was having a bad week and a hard time with a parent. It made my eyes quite teary.

Bad thing/thing to work on: I need to shower. And my effing eye hurts... again.... And I REALLY need to write lesson plans because they are late. But, simultaneously, another good thing because my boss told me not to stress about that right now and not to be hard on myself and that it will get done when I have the right amount of time to do it, and in the mean time she knows I am doing a good job and preparing for my classes.

Anyway, thank all of you for you support and encouragement in all the different forms you gave it in. It really really lifts my heart and soul. And I was reminded today that compliments are great and so very uplifting, but when we become too dependent on them to validate us, it then becomes way too easy to bring us down with one negative comment/parent. Which is a nice reminder to have.... though not a pleasant one.

Today certainly was an improvement. Thank you.

Delayed posting

Hi. I've been missing NOT because I was forgetting to write, but because every time I tried Blogger told me that my password was incorrect. And I assure you, it was NOT incorrect at all.

Anyway, I owe something like 3 days worth of good things/bad things... and let me tell you, bad things are a-stacking up on me right now.

So here we go:

Monday, 9/21:

Good thing: I did not snap at anyone out of frustration and I did not cry in morning faculty devotion (not that I usually do... it is just that this particular day I felt like crying and I think it is good that I held it in during that particular time)

Bad thing/need to improve: How on earth do I get the 4th graders to understand that I'm not trying to ruin their life? I just want them to know what they need to know so that we can move onto new, fun things.

Tuesday, 9/22:

Good thing: A girl I teach randomly surprised me first thing in the morning with a small Hershey's bar. And I got some good hugs from my students and from cheerleaders. And I didn't have to teach my fourth grade class that I seem to be miscommunicating with.

Bad thing/thing to improve: I need to make my lesson plans online FAR more consistent. Because I never know how fast or slow my class is going to move, I end up not assigning things and then assigning new things and basically it doesn't really match up with what it says online- which the parents check... of course.

Today, Wednesday, 9/23:

Good thing:

I got to hang out with my friend in the upper school for an hour when I had a break today. You know. To vent. The fifth graders seemed to understand what I was talking about today. The third graders did well for the most part on their very first vocabulary quiz!

Bad thing/thing to improve:

I got an email from a mom whose daughter I coach in cheerleading and whose son I teach Latin. She wanted to arrange a meeting with me, which of course I went ahead and set up. When I asked what the meeting was going to be about, she informed me that her kids were originally so enthusiastic about me but that enthusiasm has waned as they have heard me make "negative comments" about their previous coaching/teaching. And that young boy is particularly down about Latin because I had said something to the effect of: you all never work hard in Latin and that is going to change. And she went on to say that a perception is being created about me and that perception is fact in the mind of those who hold it. Ouch. Granted, she also said she thought they might be misunderstanding me and so they should listen more closely, etc.

Still though, I was flabbergasted. And hurt. And feel exactly like it looks outside: grey, cold and rainy. And my first instinct is to defend myself and my actions. I would never intentionally be negative about their prior coaching or teaching, and if I had said anything it would be that their previous teacher did the very best she could and we are going to work to get them where they need to be. And I LOOOOVE the girls' previous cheer coach. She is the best friend I have at that school. Anyway, so the meeting isn't until Friday but I don't know if I can wait that long to address this. I called the mom and left a voicemail saying that I would really like a chance to just briefly speak with her and hear more about the situation. I spoke with my mentor and friend in my old city about it and she said to not defend myself no matter how badly I want to... just to listen to what the woman has to say and say, "Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. That is not at all what I intended to get across and I will do my best to monitor my words better than I have in these first 3 weeks of school. Thank you." Because really... it doesn't do me any good to explain myself or defend my own actions.

Nevertheless... it sucks. And it hurts. And I am just sitting on the verge of tears perpetually this evening. And how lame is it that ONE person, ONE parent, out of 149 sets of parents, can ruin my whole day? How infuriating is it that one person's actions out of the several who are telling me that I am doing a good job, can make me feel like the worst teacher on the planet? How stupid is it that right before I received that email on my BlackBerry, I had just been told by another parent- face to face- that her daughter says Latin is her favorite subject every day. That her daughter loves it, and that as soon as I received and read that email, I immediately forgot those kind, encouraging words. I know there are many who could just let it slide off their back and not think twice. I am not one of those people. I have accepted this fact about myself. But geez I long for a day when I can open my email and not have a heart attack when I see emails from parents.

Yesterday and Today

I forgot to post yesterday. Why? Because I fell asleep at 8:30pm. No lie. On accident. I wasn't exactly planning on going to bed then. I just did.

So, yesterday's good thing:

The cheerleaders did not huddle into groups during the football game and overall they cheered TOGETHER, like, the motions and everything. Fantastic.

Yesterday's NEEDS IMPROVEMENT thing:

Patience. Patience. And Patience. I believe this may come up a lot this year. I thought I was impatient when I taught middle school. I am finding that I indeed have some patience, but seriously? I can only say things so many times to 3rd and 4th graders. I need to improve my patience with the small childrens. And with the cheerleaders.

Today's good thing:

I think I taught 3rd graders how to conjugate a verb in Latin in a way that quaesi-makes sense. I don't know if they will remember it on Monday, but I think that they at least got what I was talking about today.

Today's needs improvement:

My attitude. I had a bad attitude today about teaching elementary age children. I just felt bitter because I often miss teaching the older ones. I miss being able to say things and not having 18 pairs of eyes staring at me like I'm speaking Arabic. I miss not have to count down from 10 every time I give a direction. I miss not having to directly tell the students how to fill in the blanks on a worksheet I hand out. I miss having students that KNOW how to study.

So today my attitude was crappy. Not going to lie.

An idea

So, someone once told me that a good thing to do when teaching is to keep a journal of at least one good thing that has happened every day. And one thing that could've been done better. Since my life is currently school and cheerleading and I haven't got a lot else to document here, I am going to attempt to write my one good thing and my one thing I could've done better every day here.

Today's good thing (though not super classroom related):

One of the school's secretaries (aka: woman who knows all information I could need) knows how to do calligraphy. I have desperately been wanting my invitations to be addressed in calligraphy, but it didn't fit in our budget. She offered her services to me today and when I offered to pay her she was insistent that I not "hire" her, but that it would be her joy and pleasure to do it free of charge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!

Of course, I will do SOMETHING super nice to thank her.

An extra good thing (that IS classroom related):

During one of my fifth grade classes- particularly the one that always looks at me like I'm from another planet when I talk about Latin- gave me great encouragement today. After giving helpful hints for how to recognize person, number and tense in a verb, a girl raises her hand and says: "Mrs. B. You make complete sense. That last 5 minutes you were talking is the best I've ever understood this."

And others chimed in, with one girl saying, "Yea, I can't believe I ever thought this was hard."

What a relief, especially after my "what I need to do better" for today...

What I need to do better:

Find a way to explain Latin verbs/conjugating to third graders without making them want to cry.

Also:

I need to make "guided notes" for the students to follow along with and fill in as I teach. Since I think their curriculum sucks (which it kind of does) and since elementary students don't really know how to properly take notes/write on the paper in a spatially correct way... guided notes- made by yours truly- would be helpful.

Not a whole lot to say

I don't have much to say currently. Life is busy. Busy enough that I currently can't remember what I even did in my morning classes today.

But I can tell you that I spent 30 minutes teaching 3rd graders how to properly make Latin flashcards yesterday. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I now teach elementary school. Who knew that someone has to teach kids how do stuff that seems so second nature to older kids (middle school even!) and adults? It's a different world down here, that's for sure.

Oh, hello there.

It has been a long while since I wrote.

Such is the life of a teacher. Once the start of school approaches, all else fades to black.

But here I am, nearing the end of the first week.

And I made it. Made it long at last.

And it is good.

I think about fresh starts at the start of the school year. Clean slates. Freshly sharpened pencils. A new beginning.

Appropriately, on the second day of school it rained. Precious water poured from the sky and hasn't really stopped since. To many, rain is all doom and gloom. But in a city that hasn't seen substantial rain in what I have heard is well over a year... the rain is a glorious prize. And to my husband, it brings hope that the water restrictions will end soon and he can wash his car and water our lawn whenever he wants.

I teach 8 year olds now. And 10 year olds. And that funky year in between, the 9 year olds. Shocking to me, but maybe not to others, is that 9 and 10 year olds are not really all that different from the 12/13 year olds I used to have. They are simply packaged in smaller bodies. And they don't rattle on about the Jonas Brothers (which I was okay with when it happened because it meant they were sharing something they loved with me, and I loved that).

I feel confident. And I feel thankful. Thankful for 2 prior years of teaching experience at my old school. Thankful for the amazing professor, mentor and friend who gently guided me in the direction of teaching Latin. Thankful for getting to teach with her, learn from her- and many other very capable Latin teachers- who have filled my mind and my repetoire with many good teaching strategies and ways to make Latin engaging. Thankful for teaching at a school which allowed me to grow and mature as a teacher. Mind you, I still have much growing to do and much learning to do about being a teacher, but those 2 years and even that pesky and simultaneously helpful institute I had to attend this summer have prepared me to begin my 3rd year of teaching. My 3rd year which is a lot like a first year in that I am at a new school, teaching a different age group, and a different curriculum. But this time I started with confidence and excitement and that has made all the difference from a brand new college graduate rookie teacher and a 3rd year rookie teacher.

I am thankful for all the encouragement I have recieved.

The teachers who have told me that their students have had nothing but good things to say about me: Mrs. B is so cool. Mrs. B rocks. I like Latin. So on and so on.

The students who asked their classroom teacher if I could stay just a little bit longer... to talk about Latin.

The parents who have stopped me as I walked by their car to tell me that all they heard about on the first day was how awesome that new Latin teacher is.

The teachers who are also parents whose kids I teach who have told me in the teacher workroom: My child adores you. All he (HE! A BOY! A BOY STUDENT WHO LIKES ME!) talked about was Latin.

The school nurse who stopped me on the sidewalk and said, "I heard you're an amazing teacher."

I say all this not to toot my own horn or brag about how awesome I am. I say it here because I am shocked. I am humbled. I never thought, I never imagined that I could teach and do it well. I say it here because there are many days, many times when these compliments bolster my confidence and keep me going when I feel most discouraged. I say it here because maybe some parents read this, and maybe they have a kid who really enjoys their teacher, and maybe they will think to pass on the kind words to their child's teacher. We teachers don't often hear from parents that we do a good job. We hear good things about teaching in general, of course. Teachers change lives. Teachers make a difference. Blah blah blah. But to hear a kind word or compliment from the parent of one of the very children sitting in your class is like magic. Just one can keep a teacher going for a month.

I thank God every day for putting me where I am at. Somehow, my whole life, God has had a magical (or I suppose you could say divine) way of showing me exactly what I need to do. It's not like a burning bush spoke or anything. It is more like I asked for some guidance and an opportunity and then one comes. I prayed for a way (aka: money) to stay at my outrageously expensive university which I loved so dearly, and the day after my freshman year of college ended my step-aunt generously and very randomly handed my mother a check for half of my college tuition for the rest of my time there. Not one of us asked her for the money or told her we needed it. I prayed for some guidance for what I should do in life. My college Latin professor said I should teach Latin. I scoffed. She said it again a year later when when I was fretting about what to do in life now that I was a senior in college. All my life my jobs have been working with people. Particularly young people. And suddenly there was an opportunity at the same private school my professor taught at on the side. Every other door shut. It was clear.

2 years later here I am. I prayed all summer for a job. I fretted. I worried. I also knew that no matter what, there was a reason and a purpose for why I was waiting on a job. And then I got a phone call from the head of the school which I now work at.

One of the parents had passed along my resume. She had gotten it from someone who worked at my old school. The head of school said he didn't exactly have a position, but could I come in and sit down and chat and talk about possibilities. They had a lower school Latin teacher already. But she didn't really know Latin. She knew Spanish. The upper school needed a Spanish teacher. They hadn't been planning on moving her to the upper school... but then they recieved my resume, and by the way, how did I feel about 3rd-5th graders?

And so here I am. Thank you, God, for always making it clear.

The Spin Cycle

For all the good that has been going on lately- the new job- yay!- I feel like my life is spinning out of control around me. Our office floor is covered in school supplies. $228 worth of school supplies that should've been only $100 or $150 or so in school supplies. I have a bag full of elementary school curriculum that I haven't even touched. I need to take an EC-4 generalist practice test (b/c oh, by the way, this next year of teaching WILL count towards my certification- YAY- but, I have to take another test for it to really count, since I am doing elementary and not secondary- BOO). I need to schedule a time to take the actual test, if the practice test goes well. There is a massive pile of laundry to do. I need to do the dishes. I need to take a shower. I need to go up to the school to turn in my signed contract and paperwork. I need to go up to the school to meet the cheerleaders. I need to unpack from my trip. I need to clean our bedroom. I need to figure out more stuff for my wedding. I need to clean off my desk because I can't even see it anymore. I need to wash the guest bedroom sheets. I need to clean the cat box. I need more than 2 weeks before school starts. I need to plan out how I am going to teach elementary school kids. I need to organize my school stuff from my last school to see what I can and can't reuse. I need to organize the office overall. I need to figure out how I am going to be a traveling teacher without a classroom to call my own. I need to... I need to... I need to... BAIEHJGFEDVIOSHGIIURVG.

And that is the state of my mind right now. Like the spin cycle of a washing machine... only less methodical.

Some more exciting things, in a rather subdued post

I forgot to mention in my last post that CB and I have officially decided to go to Rome for our honeymoon. We originally had immediately ruled it out because we assumed we would be the ones paying for the honeymoon and, quite frankly, Rome is not something we can afford. But then his dad offered to help pay. And then my ever generous aunt offered to contribute a large amount as well. So as it turned out, we can go almost anywhere we want, particularly Rome. So we are. Why subdued, you ask? Because I am cautious to get my heart set on it until the plane tickets are purchased in our names. I won't believe someone else is paying for our fabulous honeymoon until someone actually has. So, subdued excitement for now.

And now, what I have been waiting months to write, I think I have a job.

I had that meeting yesterday with the head of the school. He asked the lower school director to sit in with us as well, which at the time, didn't set off any bells in my head. We chatted for an hour and a half. Yes, that long. About everything from why and how I became a teacher to what type of students I connect with best in a classroom to what I thought about my first 2 years of teaching. And then they asked me how I felt about elementary school kids.

Um. What?

They explained that it is very clear that teaching Latin, more than anything, is the desire of my heart, but that they had no availability in the middle school or high school as they already have 2 very qualified and well-liked Latin teachers whom they do not intend on losing anytime soon. I don't blame them. In fact, they told me they don't have any positions at all, BUT, that if they did, it would be a position teaching 3rd-5th grade Latin. Yes, that is right, 3rd grade Latin. It is a Classical school thing, trust me. I tried my best not to gawk and kick myself, because naturally, I had said only weeks before that I would never teach below 7th grade, and suddenly here I was, listening to them present a non open teaching position to me that involved 3rd-5th graders. Because I am not stupid, I said that I was open to the idea and that it could be a great learning experience for me. After all, I said I would never teach secondary school at all. I said I would never teach junior high. And then I did both of these things. And I loved it. So who is to say I won't love elementary? God has turned around my plans everytime in regards to things like this, and really, I have prayed for a job. Any job. And I know people having been praying for me to find a job. So really? I take this as a blessing. But remember, it wasn't an actual position as of yesterday. They kept talking to me though and we discussed what it was like to teach elementary age children and what sort of schedule I would have. I asked if I could still have involvement with the high school in extracurricular things, especially something like cheerleading, and their ears perked. Cheerleading? Like, could I coach? Why, yes sir, I can't teach them tumbling, but I can teach them how to stunt, I can teach them how to jump, I can teach them how to cheer, I can make them look good. This seemed to be good news to them, and to the current cheer sponsor (most adorable woman ever). Basically, I was told after an hour and a half of talking and touring the campus and meeting people that they don't officially have a position but they will try to make something work.

Today, as I was filling out the application per their request, I received a phone call from the lower school director. She told me, "I think this is going to work out, if you're interested." My response, "I am definitely interested." She said that they are still waiting on a couple of things to come through, but that she wanted to give me a heads up and tomorrow, when I turn in my application to her, we will sit down and go over somethings and kill two birds with one stone (what that second bird is, I don't know.).

So there you go. A job. Teaching elementary students. Latin. Again, subdued because I haven't yet signed a contract, but still excited.

Any advice about teaching elementary kids?

A lot of things. All at once.

I haven't written in quite awhile, and since then, a lot has been happening. Because I don't feel like writing it out in extensive sentences and details, I will simply list them and expand when I feel like it.

* I hit the side of the garage with my car... again. Rather, I rubbed the side of the garage with the side of my car. Yes, it scratched my car. No, it wasn't bad. Most can't even tell I did anything. Touch up paint will help the 4 small dots of chipped paint missing. I did not cry this time.

* I visited my Latin teacher friends and my family back in my old city. On this visit I ate good food, gained a couple pounds, played games and laughed a lot. I also realized that I am very very very happy where I am now and that I do not miss the city I used to live in... only the people.

*CB and I registered at Macy's, Target and Bed, Bath and Beyond. It was not fun; it was tiring. But I am glad that is done and I wish I could own all the stuff I scanned right this minute.

* I got a speeding ticket driving home from my old city. I was pissed because really? I wasn't trying to speed. The last sign I saw said the speed limit was 70; I was going 74. Not bad. Then I saw the cop with the laser aimed at me... then I saw the 60 mph speed limit sign. Ticket for me. Booooo.

*I was called by the head of a private school in a city near where I live. He wanted to discuss the possibility of a teaching position there for this next year or possibly in the future. I was ecstatic.

* I met with said head of school today. He was a very nice man, as was the other woman who was in our meeting. Turns out they don't technically have a position, BUT, they might be able to work something out. Here's the deal though: the position that would be available if they even could work something out... is in the lower school, teaching 3rd-5th graders. Now, I've only taught junior high and high school. I am not entirely opposed to teaching lower school... it's just that I don't know how? I would be teaching them Latin, of course (don't ask, for those of you that are baffled by that, it is a Classical school thing), but I just don't even know how to talk to a small kid. However, I am not so stupid as to turn a job down just because I am not sure of how to do it or whether I will like it. I thought I would hate teaching junior high... and then I loved it. So maybe this could be good too. Who knows really, it isn't even technically an open position right now. Oh, and I would most likely get to coach cheerleading. Which is phenomenol.

* I am so overwhelmed by all the things I seem to have to do I just want to lay down and sleep.

* I am getting a LOT of wedding stuff done lately. Yay me!

* I will blog more regularly now.

I emailed 10 people I don't even know today

To ask them if they knew about any Latin positions, and oh by the way, here is all my info in case you have students that need tutoring. Thanks, bye. (They were all Latin teachers in the area).

Yesterday, my friend PR told me that all this was happening for a reason. That there is a reason I don't have a job yet. That there is a reason I keep hearing nothing. That there is a reason. She couldn't tell me the reason. But she said there is one, and that eventually, I will find it out.

I sure hope so, because I am really tired of almost crying every day.

I am so tired of hearing nothing

Here is how it seems to be going in my job search world:

Search websites.

Find potential job.

Drop everything and spend an hour or two filling out the application, craft a good cover letter, etc.

Submit application.

Jump through the 12 other hoops they want me to jump through, including, but not limited to:

mailing in my college transcripts

mailing in my resume

mailing in my last 2 performance reviews

taking an online 'teacher assessment' test

Commence waiting

Wait

Wait

Call to check on status of application

Told that application is 'active' and that's all they can say

Wait

Nothing. Hear nothing.

So yesterday, when CB got home, I started crying. I tried not to. I tried to explain to him that my bff Sarah and I discussed that it was about time I start looking for non-teaching jobs. That I could always wait tables because I have experience doing this. Or that I could start looking at random retail jobs, except that I would want to spend my whole paycheck there. I tried to tell him that I had two issues with those, the first issue being that I have a Bachelor's degree and that I have had a real, salaried job. I know it's a pride thing but it is really hard to imagine taking a job that a high school student could have. The second issue is this: I love teaching. What if I get a job that isn't teaching and I can never make my way back into it? What if I forget all my Latins? Turns out, I couldn't tell him all of this without tearing up. I can hardly type it without tearing up. So I cried. He held me and told me that it was going to be okay and is there anything he can do to help me look. I said not really. Then I left for my teaching certification class.

When I got home, he told me he had spent an hour looking for jobs for me. He found the same problem I do when it comes to teaching positions: there are none. But, he had found a non-teaching job that I might like and I should go look at it on his computer. So I did, and admittedly, it looks like something I could do and like and be good at. It was just posted yesterday, so I immediately filled out the 7 page online application, wrote a good cover letter and attached it with my resume.

The position is for Associate Student Activities director with the community college district here. It requires that you have a bachelor's degree and 3-4 years of experience in education, student activities or another related field. Well then, I have 2 years of experience in education and 3 years of experience as an RA and 2 summers of experience as a camp counselor. I'm hoping that works for them. Basically, in this job, I would help plan and implement educational and entertaining extracurricular activities. I would probably work with a team of people, but possibly be in charge of it. Still working with/for students, which I like. Getting to be creative and interact with people a lot, which I also like. The problem is this... colleges often have people lined up internally for these types of positions but are required to post them online anyway. I am really really hoping that isn't the case here, because I could really stand to hear good news for once. So, we will see. I am trying not to get my hopes up, and, I am still looking. Always looking.

2 Things

1. CB passed his Step 1 test with a 200!!!!! For those who don't have a clue what I mean by that, click on the link and read what I mean. This is HUGE. It means a hopefully very good chance of CB continuing on in 3rd year. I just want to walk around gloating and say, "See? He knows his stuff." But I am going to try to remain humble, and just say a lot of 'Thank yous' to God, for answering prayers, and continue to hope for the best but prepare myself mentally for the worst.

2. On applying to Christian schools...

Look, I went to a Christian high school. I've been to church and youth group. I really and truly believe in God and Jesus Christ and salvation by faith in God's grace and sacrifice for man's depravity. I do.

BUT. Appyling to Christian schools wears me out thoroughly. (I hear my high school teachers' hearts beating faster as we speak and their gasps of disapproval). I know that being a Christian school and all, it is almost a given that there will be questions about one's beliefs and faith. I know that there will be a point where you have to sign that you will abide by Biblical standards and live your life befitting of the title "Christian." By the way, what does that even mean? Aren't Christians sinners? Aren't Christians capable of falling short and screwing it all up? Don't we tout the idea that the whole impetus for Jesus in the first place is that none of us gets it right? How then can a reasonable Christian sign a statements saying they will abstain from all that is deemed "bad" or "immoral" or "sinful" when it is in their very nature to do so because duh! they recognize their need for God's grace? Anyways, I digress.

What gets me all worn out and want to not teach at a Christian school are the parts where I have to attach an essay about my thoughts and beliefs concerning all of the following:

- use of drugs, tobacco, and alcohol (well, drugs are bad. Alcohol is okay in moderation. And tobacoo kills. So do drugs. In fact, so does alcohol.)

- freedom of speech and censorship (I am a huge proponet of free speech and little censorship).

- pre-marital sexual relations (You know, it's best not to do this. Screws with your emotions and what not and according to the Bible, makes you an adulterer. But again, most of us don't get it right, and if you don't? It makes you a sinner, like everyone else. It doesn't make you a bad person.)

- modesty and appearance (Don't dress like a floozy.)

- divorce and remarriage (My parents are divorced. I think sometimes it is necessary.)

- abortion and euthanasia (Not a fan)

- origins (creation v. evolution) (The neverending debate. But why can't it be both? God created and is involved in the world, but He, in His magnificent wisdom, created complex, beautiful creatures that adapt to their surrounding and make adjustments as necessary).

- homosexuality (I'm all for gay rights. I don't think it is as God intended, but I don't judge, lest my sins be judged by others).

- personal debt (I don't want it. I don't think you're going to hell if you have it)

- honesty and discretion (Honesty is the BEST policy)

- roles of men and women in the home and other ministries (sigh. ROLES IN THE HOME? My husband does the dishes. He cleans. He cooks better than I do. Wtf is this supposed to mean?)

- ENTERTAINMENT (music, television, movies, etc.) (I just have to shake my head at this. Some things are inappropriate, some are not. Choose wisely.)

You want my real answer? I believe that we are all sinners and we are never going to get it right. I believe at some point in our lives, most of us will have some exposure to or experience with one or more, if not all, of the above. I believe that as a Christian, we can recognize where we've gone wrong and do our best to fix it, but, at the end of the day, we are flawed. Thank you, God for your help. Why, school, do you need to know my every little opinion, IN WRITING, of all these things? AND, what if I am a different denomination than you? That would drastically change some of my opinions on these things. Why can't we all just get along? It is always the same with Christians, hung up on the details, missing the big picture.

The last school I taught at was a Christian school. The application was wholly reasonable. I appreciated it even. It asked about drugs and alcohol and homosexuality, etc., but did not nitpick every hot topic in Christianity today. And the school? Had a policy that certain controversial things weren't to be discussed, but referred to the parents. I would prefer that over trying to micro-manage every faculty members' moral beliefs concerning these issues. I mean, some are obvious: abortion, drugs, any illegal behavior, etc. But some aren't so clear these days. I suppose that may be what they are trying to get at.

Anyways. I went into teaching to make a difference in kids' lives, not manage their beliefs. If, in the end, I influence some young people towards heaven, that is spectacular. Amazing even. But in the meantime, I want to help build their self-confidence, self-discipline, their brain, their social skills, and their decision making abilities. I want to make responsible citizens of the world. There are kids out there who don't have loving parents to help them do their homework or get them to school on time, dressed appropriately. For me, it's enough to let those kids know they're loved and wanted somewhere. Why do I love them? Because as a Christian I am called to love them. Do I need to vocalize that for it to happen? No. I simply love them and let God do the rest.

I believe more than anything, God wants us to love people, not judge people. We do our best to get it right, but in the end, it is grace that saves us.

Oh, and I am seriously rethinking applying to this school. Because in truth, I am guilty of participating in some of the aforementioned items. I don't want to have to lie by omitting my own deeds and give a perfect answer. I could write you a perfect answer, sure, but it wouldn't be true to my life and who I am. I know I need a job, but it is more important to me to have a morally clear concious than give the perfect Christian answer, even when I haven't lived by it.

Note: The opinions expressed here are my own, and not reflective of all Christians, or possibly even most Christians. I am genuinely sorry if I have offended you in some way.

I NEED A JOB

Something bothering me lately:

Everyone talks about how there aren't enough good teachers, and how there aren't enough teachers period. And then comes along a good teacher who wants to teach, but is there any space for her? No.

I can't tell you how many districts have posted: No job openings.

Or, Math and Science teachers.

Or, Special Ed. teachers.

Or, Stuff that isn't history or Latin.

Look, folks, I know you can make your coaches your history teachers, but that doesn't make them good teachers. A good history teacher knows that teaching history is actually rather difficult, and puts in the effort to make history interesting and engaging. I can dooo that. Hire me. Want me. Trust me. I won't waste your time.

Better yet? Add LATIN to your foreign language department. Trust me, it ISN'T a dead language. And you'll thank me when your students' TAKS reading scores go up, and their SAT/ACT scores soar. It is proven that Latin students score anywhere from 400-600 points higher on standardized tests. Why? Not just because 65% of the English language is rooted in Latin, but also because Latin teaches you more about English grammar than your English classes do. Honest. AND, because Latin teaches you how to think about sentence structure. When you have to put a sentence together based on the endings of words alone and NOT based on the order the words are in, you are suddenly aware of what each word is doing in a sentence and you can think about how the sentence works. LATIN IS USEFUL. HIRE ME.

And besides all that... Latin is way cooler and way more intellectual than any other language you've got going on right now. Seriously. Just give it a chance.

The end.

Going to work out now. And get the mirror on my car fixed. Oh by the way. I broke it. And cried. A lot.

The Good News, the Bad News, and the GREAT News

This morning I had a meeting at an alternative teaching certification center to discuss whether or not I was qualified to enter their program and work towards a certification.

The first step of this meeting was to watch a 10 min video which detailed the process of their program. Then I had to take a test. Really?! Another test?! This one covered "critical thinking" and I am proud to say I scored a 58/64 on it. They actually seemed impressed with this, though I was wishing I had scored above a 60. You know... good is never enough.

Upon completing the test, I was whisked into a room with a program director to discuss my options for teaching. Let's all remember here that I really want to teach Latin. LATIN. As in, the language of the Romans. Unfortunately, my 20 credit hours of Latin are just 4 shy of being considered 'Highly Qualified' in this subject area... nevermind that I've taught it for two years. But that's okay. I took the Latin EXCET... when I receive my scores (which will hopefully be passssinnng!) I can be moved into the 'Highly Qualified' realm there.

Here is the good news, though... I AM 'Highly Qualified' in History. Given that it was my college major. And I took 33 hours of it. Basically, even though I have not taken any kind of state content test, I could be hired immediately to teach history if they so desired. I was given a little magical sheet of paper that has a million check marks on it, confirming that yes, I am in a certification program and receiving proper training, and yes, I do have enough hours in that area and a high enough GPA. I was told never to lose said piece of paper, as it must go to the district that hires me. She told me to start looking for jobs teaching history immediately, and then once my EXCET scores come in, providing that I passed, I could start looking for those as well (although right now, there's not much).

The bad news: Per certification lady's instructions, I need to take the History content exam eventually, and perhaps even the social studies exam. Why is that bad news you might ask? Well, for one, the tests are $120 each. And even though I majored in history, that doesn't mean I remember all of it. In fact, the bulk of my history knowledge centers on two time periods: The ancient world (pre-3000 BC- AD 1000, and World War II (and that's not even a time period!). American history? I soorrt of know it. Enlightenment? Reformation? SOUTH AMERICAN HISTORY? Not so much.

I am hoping I can find a good source to study a bunch of this material that I'm not as familiar with, so that I can actually pass this history test and not embarass my school and my college degree.

The GREAT news? Everything costs money, right? Well, certification programs do too. This program happens to cost the following:

$50 admission fee.

$495 Training institute fee

roughly $4000 Internship fee

That's a lot of dollars. But, like I said, the GREAT news? I'm married to someone in the military. There is a program called MilitaryOneSource which pays up to $6000 dollars for this stuff. And the program I am in is included in the programs that are covered by MOS. I get certified, and the program I am in bills them, not me. Now all I have to do is get my military dependent ID... which should take 459874359847 years.

All in all, I am pretty freaking excited about this opportunity. I start the training institute which will last 2 1/2 weeks next Wednesday. I will go to class M-Th, 6-9pm, and then meet on two Saturdays 8am-3pm. I will be done before the end of July and ready to start the 'Internship' phase. That's the part where I need, you know, a JOB.

The intern phase really is a full-time teaching job, just with a lot of accountability and only a temporary certificate. It has all the same pay and benefits as a regular job.

So that's what I've got for today. I am officially working on my teaching certification. I am officially applying for jobs with my magical new pass. And next week? A job fair specifically catering to teachers in my alternative certification program. YAY.

Now all I have to do is pass yet ANOTHER test, or 3.

Update from yesterday's shameless advertising

The human resources called me back this morning. I was definitely asleep when she called, so I had to quickly make myself sound composed like I'd been awake for hours.

She congratulated me on getting married (I had mentioned that I needed my name to be changed on all my application info stuff for the district), and asked a few questions about the test and the program.

Then there was the: Unfortunately we have no available Latin positions at this time.

BUT, I do want to make sure to include you should anything become available. You really never know what's going to happen. Last year we thought we were clear, but then all of the sudden in August and September we suddenly needed 3 teachers. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please let that happen in Latin!!!!!!).

Then she followed this with: I don't want to burst your bubble, but in case nothing comes up this year, we are opening a brand new high school next year, in August 2010, and we will most likely need Latin teachers. So in case there is nothing now, keep that in mind.

What this woman doesn't realize is that even though she isn't giving me a job, she is giving me a lot of hope and a lot of opportunities to make myself more employable. Or maybe she does realize it. Either way, I am pretty grateful she is keeping me in mind and keeps pushing me to do more.

Because THEN, she said, "Okay, now let's talk about your options. What if a job doesn't come up for this year. What are you going to do?"

Me: "Well, if that were the case I would tutor as much as possible and probably try to substitute."

HR lady: "Excellent, (something about substituting being a great idea). Have you feeled (edit: omg, did I really write 'feeled' instead of 'filled'? shoot me now.) out the substitute application?

Me: "No."

HR: "Okay, well that is a separate application to fill out. Once you get it filled out, read the website and there will be a list of things you need to bring. It is first come, first serve, so make sure you come as soon as possible to be considered. Substituting is a great way to get experience and learn from others."

Me: "Okay, thank you so much."

HR lady: "Make sure you let me know when you get your test scores in, and when you complete the first part of your alternative cert. training."

Me: "Of course, thank you again, so much."

So, clearly, no job leads, but one really really nice Human Resources Lady who is helping me tremendously.

Oh, and after she told me about the substitute application, I immediately pounced out of bed (that's right, I slept UPSTAIRS last night, alone, while CB was still out of town. Go me!) and filled out the application online.

I read on the site that there were only certain dates and times the substitute office was open, and that TODAY was the last day until Monday that it would be open, and only until 11am.

I really had to rush this if I was going to get in there today. I filled out the W-4 form, and the I-9 form, and printed the w-4 form, and prin... waiiit, why wasn't my printer printing anymore? No I-9? effff?! I tried everything. Messing with ink cartridges, trying to print it on CB's computer. Nothing. The I-9 did NOT want to come out today. So alas, I did not make it to the substitute office today. But I assure you, come 8 am Monday morning, I will be first in line. The good news is that everything else is in order except that effing I-9 form.

In the meantime: CB comes home today!!!! Yayayay!

Meeting with alternative cert. program tomorrow! Yayayay!

Still have lots of unpacking... boooo.

PS: There are certainly a lot of hoops to jump through to become a certified teacher/teacher in a public school. It makes my legs tired.

Shamelessly advertising myself

I have emailed so many schools over the past few months that I am beginning to feel like an incredible pest. Hi, read my cover letter and resume. Hi, read my application. Hi, do you have any Latin teaching positions available? Hi, I know I'm not certified, but I'm willing to get that way real quick.

No. No. No. NO. NO. I've heard a lot of that lately. Much more nicely though, because people in SA? They're really freaking nice overall. And if I haven't heard, "No."? Then I've heard nothing. Silence. The silence of being ignored. It's surreal. I think I'd rather hear, "No," than be ignored.

I set up an appointment with an alternative certification program today. The same one which helped me get my Latin EXCET exam set up (Yea, little did you know you have to be backed by a program to get in to take one of these tests... or at least have to promise that you WILL try to get into one once you've taken it).

Once I set up that appointment and filled out the program's application, I called the human resources woman of the school district who turned me down a long time ago to let her know my status. (She had actually requested that I let her know when I had taken the test, etc.). On her voicemail, I shamelessly advertised myself some more: Hi, remember me? You wouldn't/couldn't hire me because I wasn't in an alt. cert. program? Okay, well look! I've taken that uber important test! I am meeting with the alt. cert. program on Thursday! They consider me highly qualified! Do you have any other Latin positions available at this moment? (I happen to be in the know about one of their other high schools needing a Latin teacher.) Can you consider me now, please? Oh, and please let me shamelessly suck up while I thank you so much for putting me in contact with this program. I truly appreciate it. You can call me back at: xxx-xxx-xxxx. Thanks, bye!

Okay, so it was a lot better sounding when I actually left it. It was a composed, collected, cool voicemail. And I wasn't really trying to suck up by thanking her- I really am grateful for her help. But really? I felt like that was what I sounded like. Shamelessly advertising myself and continuously running after every last little lead I hear about... like a dog chasing bones.

In the meantime? I have been sleeping on the couch because CB is out of town and I am too afraid to sleep upstairs alone. Awesome.

The sun after the rain

Annnd today the school I've been trying to get to contact me called and wanted to set up a phone interview for this Thursday. 

This time I know better than to count my chickens before they hatch... but it is a comforting development at least. 

Thank you to everyone who commented, called, or didn't say anything at all and just prayed.  I deeply appreciate the support and love. CB and I are trying to maintain a positive attitude about everything, and at the end of it all, what needs to happen will happen. The end.

My school had a small 'going away' thing for myself and the other teacher leaving today. I say thing, because it wasn't really a party, it was at the end of a faculty meeting, but it was a very very sweet gesture anyway. 

My Latin professor from my college, who is now my colleague (she also teaches at this high school- the AP class), said some really wonderful things and made me all teary and what not in front of the whole faculty. They prayed over me and my future- which, given all that has been happening lately, made me really teary. I feel so blessed to have had my start here.  I will miss this place, but I know it is time to move on to a new place in live- be it DC or SA. I will deal. 

For I know the plans I have for you...

You know that moment when everything seems to be going perfectly the way you planned it? Everything seems to be falling into place as it should, and it almost seems to good to be true? 

That is where I was yesterday.

And then today came.

Yesterday CB and I had paid a deposit on the most perfect little house in SA.

Yesterday CB and I were moving to SA on June 22. 

Yesterday CB was fairly confident he was moving on to third year of medical school this July.

Yesterday I was thinking that it was all too good to be true.

Today we found out that the perfect little house that we had paid a deposit on was actually leased on Friday.

Today CB found out that if he did not pass his pathology final he will have to repeat 2nd year of medical school.

Today we aren't 100% sure if it will be SA we will be moving to, or if I will move to DC. 

And today, I still don't know where I will be working next year, or even if I will be able to find a job.

Medical school has been a concern for CB and I for awhile. We knew that his pharmacology class didn't go well- that he most likely made a D.  He was literally ONE question from a C.  He has been passing pathology leading up to the exam, but it is borderline. If he failed the final exam- a shelf exam (meaning it is standardized by the American Board of Medical Examiners)- he would get a D in pathology. He thinks he did okay, but we should all say a lot of prayers anyway. 

CB is brilliant, though these grades do not seem to reflect that. It sucks, and it is a blow to his pride, because he is not dumb. CB is a very hands on learner, and these classes are not hands on classes. These are memorize hundreds upon hundreds of pharmaceuticals and be able to recall the exact protein in the body they work with and what they do to it. Imagine spending 12-14 hours a day studying, staying at the library until 4:30 am for nights in row studying, and still not producing a passing test. 

CB is the exact kind of person one wants for a doctor. He has the bedside manner most doctors are missing. He can perform clinical skills like one wouldn't believe. This stuff is information that EVEN THE PROFESSORS admit that, if they even need to know it, they look up. This process, these classes, this torture, is a kind of initiation, and it could be done in a better way, a way in which the students actually learn information instead of cramming it. My heart aches for CB. I can't even describe with words how much I ache for CB. He is not dumb. He is very smart and very cabable and he deserves to be a doctor. 

Now we don't even know what is going to happen. Best case? He passes pathology and moves onto 3rd year. 2nd to worst case? He repeats 2nd year. He only has to repeat all core courses, which is only 6 classes (trust me- a LOT less than what he had this year). Worst case, God forbid? Disenrollment. 

Even if best case occurs, we don't have a house to live in. I don't have a job, and the one job I even have to look into hasn't contacted me back though I have emailed, sent snail mail and called. 

This is that point in life that people talk about.  The point where you thought you had it all figured out, thought you had a plan... and then you didn't anymore. 

All I can do is pray. A lot. Pray that God shows the clear path for what we're supposed to do now. Pray that CB passes pathology. Pray that God takes care of us. Pray that we can be graceful in handling this. Pray that we can get over our pride being destroyed. Thank God that He knows exactly what's going to come of this. Thank God that he says, he promises, that he knows the plans he has for me/us. That he has plans to prosper us, not to harm us. And that is all I have to lean on. Thank you God, for Jeremiah 29:11. 

Perhaps you could pray too? That everything comes together as it should. That we continue to support each other and stand by each other.  That CB passes pathology.