I am so tired of hearing nothing

Here is how it seems to be going in my job search world:

Search websites.

Find potential job.

Drop everything and spend an hour or two filling out the application, craft a good cover letter, etc.

Submit application.

Jump through the 12 other hoops they want me to jump through, including, but not limited to:

mailing in my college transcripts

mailing in my resume

mailing in my last 2 performance reviews

taking an online 'teacher assessment' test

Commence waiting

Wait

Wait

Call to check on status of application

Told that application is 'active' and that's all they can say

Wait

Nothing. Hear nothing.

So yesterday, when CB got home, I started crying. I tried not to. I tried to explain to him that my bff Sarah and I discussed that it was about time I start looking for non-teaching jobs. That I could always wait tables because I have experience doing this. Or that I could start looking at random retail jobs, except that I would want to spend my whole paycheck there. I tried to tell him that I had two issues with those, the first issue being that I have a Bachelor's degree and that I have had a real, salaried job. I know it's a pride thing but it is really hard to imagine taking a job that a high school student could have. The second issue is this: I love teaching. What if I get a job that isn't teaching and I can never make my way back into it? What if I forget all my Latins? Turns out, I couldn't tell him all of this without tearing up. I can hardly type it without tearing up. So I cried. He held me and told me that it was going to be okay and is there anything he can do to help me look. I said not really. Then I left for my teaching certification class.

When I got home, he told me he had spent an hour looking for jobs for me. He found the same problem I do when it comes to teaching positions: there are none. But, he had found a non-teaching job that I might like and I should go look at it on his computer. So I did, and admittedly, it looks like something I could do and like and be good at. It was just posted yesterday, so I immediately filled out the 7 page online application, wrote a good cover letter and attached it with my resume.

The position is for Associate Student Activities director with the community college district here. It requires that you have a bachelor's degree and 3-4 years of experience in education, student activities or another related field. Well then, I have 2 years of experience in education and 3 years of experience as an RA and 2 summers of experience as a camp counselor. I'm hoping that works for them. Basically, in this job, I would help plan and implement educational and entertaining extracurricular activities. I would probably work with a team of people, but possibly be in charge of it. Still working with/for students, which I like. Getting to be creative and interact with people a lot, which I also like. The problem is this... colleges often have people lined up internally for these types of positions but are required to post them online anyway. I am really really hoping that isn't the case here, because I could really stand to hear good news for once. So, we will see. I am trying not to get my hopes up, and, I am still looking. Always looking.

DOOMSDAY HATH ARRIVETH

Today CB is taking the USMLE Step 1 (United States Medical Licensing Exam- Step 1 of 3). Today's test determines CB's medical school future and career. Today may possibly be the most important day of his life (aside from marrying me... duh : ) ).

If you are the praying sort, pray that he will remember all that he has studied over the past 5 weeks (not to mention the 2 years of coursework), approximately 11 hours a day. Pray that he will get the version of the test that has less Pharmacology and more Pathology. Pray that his nerves are calm. Pray that he is focused and can think clearly. Pray that he is overall calm. Pray that his text anxiety is enough to keep him on his toes and focused, but low enough that he doesn't blank out. Pray that he can remember the words- especially the drugs- and the differences between them. Pray that this goes better than any practice test he has attempted. Pray that he scores around a 200 or better.

If you are the finger crossing sort, cross your fingers.

If you are the lucky rabbit's foot sort, rub the rabbit's foot.

If you are the well wisher sort, wish him well.

If you are the good vibe sender sort, send over some good vibes.

If you are the Buddhist sort, rub Buddha's belly for him.

Whatever you are, please please please keep CB in your thoughts and prayers. I know he isn't dying, but this is life goal, his dream, his passion. I don't want him to lose his chance to achieve his goal. I don't want to see him devastated. I don't want to see his hard work, his hours of studying, his constant efforts to memorize so many things in such short time go to waste. I don't want to see his good heart, his kindness, his ability to work with people and help people feel better, his good clinical skills (because believe me, in this area he excels in school), his desire to help people, his desire to make a difference, what will eventually be a phenomenol bedside manner go to waste.

I often pray for God's will to happen in this situation. I know in my brain that whatever it outcome is, it is probably what was supposed to happen, but I cannot reconcile myself to the idea of CB not continuing medical school, not when it is what he so desperately wants to do and what I know he will be so good at. At the end of the day, whatever will be, will be, but in the meantime I am going to pray like hell that whatever will be, will be CB in medical school.

And if not? I will be proud of him. I will be proud of his hard work. I will be proud of his determination. I will more than anything be proud of his continuing positivity and perseverance in the face of what was one letdown, one beating, one disappointment after another. And I will stand by him and know that he has done his absolute best and given it his all, and I will never be ashamed.

But he deserves this. He deserves his chance at being a doctor. And when he gets there, you will be damn lucky to be his patient.

Freak Out.

Last night, after I wrote that last post, I had a freak out. A huge one.

A freak out because I am leaving the ever so steady, stable and assured job I have right now. A job they would gladly let me keep forever as long as I kept doing a good job. 

A freak out because I am in a place now where I have to get my teacher's certification, which is not inherently a bad thing, but the process of it is so extensive. So extensive when I have already been teaching, and not just teaching- but teaching well and effectively- for 2 years now. 

A freak out because I could skip lots of that process, a good 13 weeks of it, if I just take the TExES/EtCET Latin Exam.  At first I thought, pffff. No problem. What do you think I have been doing for the past 2 years? What did I study so much in college? Uhhh. Latin. 

But then I looked at the practice exams, and really freaked out. It is h.a.r.d. And I am good at Latin. But honestly, I haven't LOOKED at Vergil's Aeneid (in Latin) since Junior year of college. I have NEVER read any Cicero. There were some authors listed that I had flat out never heard of.  And if I were to take this exam and pass, I would enter into the program just in time to be employable for the 2009-2010 school year. Sounds great, huh? Not when the next, and last possible exam date to be eligible for this program is April 4. Less than 2 months away. Again, not a problem when you don't teach full time already. I just don't think I have the time for heavy, difficult Latin reading outside of what I am already doing to stay on top of teaching, stay on top of my life, stay on top in general.

If I don't pass that exam, I will have to wait and apply for this program in May. I wouldn't be able to teach in a public school until 2010-2011. This would mean that for 2009-2010, I would be working through content stuff and general classes, but most of these classes are evening classes and Saturday classes.  

CB has already told me that I do not have to work when we get down there. He has told me that if I want to go back to school, I can do that. Not trying to be gauche about this, but he makes enough that I don't really have to work full-time, and he is okay with me going to school instead of working. But the idea of not working honestly freaks me out. 

I have thought about being a full-time private tutor. Tutoring, and working my way through the alternative certification program. Then going back to teaching in 2010-2011. Or I could work on finding another private school job which might, perchance, hire me sans teaching certificate, but let me work on it while I am teaching.

I just don't know and that scares me more than anything. 

The heart of the matter is this: Every aspect of my life is changing in less than 4 months. I am leaving the only big girl job I have ever had. I am leaving a perfectly stable, good job. I am leaving my secure apartment. I am leaving the area I have lived in my entire life. I am leaving my family,  from whom I have never been further than 45 minutes. What if my new teaching job sucks? What if the students are horrendous and mean? What if the other teachers are mean and unfriendly? What if CB and I get down there and fall apart- nevermind the fact we have been together over 2.5 years by then and have known each other for over 4 years, and the fact that I respect him deeply as a person and love him deeply and consider him my best friend and that we have worked really hard to make our relationship work through being in college together to being long distance together. What if it all comes apart? What if I can't find a job? What if I do find a job, and they don't think I am a very good teacher? What if I fail? 

What if I fail? 

Current Status

I am sick. Sick with a one of those random viruses that wanders all over.

It started with a tingly weird feeling in my chest- like I needed cough badly, but couldn't.

Rapidly, it developed into severe aching throughout my body (sounds like the flu, right? wrong.)

Next day the aches were gone, but a phlegmy cough and runny nose had set in. 

That brings me to today, I am about the same as yesterday. Except any kind of activity for more than an hour causes me to pass out for 2 hours.

My other status is that I NEED A J.O.B. Specifically a teaching one. Specifically in one southern area of this great state. 

My current school is handing out the contracts for next year at the end of this month, and I won't be getting one. Not because I'm a bad teacher- actually, I received a phenomenol review from my boss- but because I am leaving, and my school has been made aware. Well, the admin has, not so much the students yet. 

I'm not going to lie, it is going to be depressing not getting a large white envelope with a contract, a salary, and courses to teach listed on it. 

And it will be even more depressing as other teachers turn those contracts in and I shift back and forth nervously in my chair because I have NO IDEA what I am going to be doing for a living come next August. 

Meanwhile, all I can do is look and work on my resume. But wait- how the EFF do I fit all this crap I do onto a resume now? How do I make it look presentable? Teacher's resumes are slightly different than business resumes, and mine is even more different because technically? I don't have a certification.  Which brings me to the other order of business: Alternative Teaching Certification? Do I want to teach public or private? How do I go about applying for the ATC? Can I still apply for a teaching job for '09-'10 if I am just starting an ATC? 

Answers:

I have looked into the ATC. I have the required SAT score (I know, who thought that might apply now?). They do offer a Latin TExES/EtCET exam.  

I will teach at whatever place hires me: public or private. Unless there is a likely chance I will be assaulted.

I do not know if I can apply for teaching jobs while in the process of getting an ATC.

I cannot even begin applying for the ATC until March 1, 2009. 

Arrrrrrg. Too many things to worry about. Not to mention moving in 4-ish months. Not to mention finding somewhere to live. Not to mention packing my entire mess of an apartment. Sheesh.