Freak Out.

Last night, after I wrote that last post, I had a freak out. A huge one.

A freak out because I am leaving the ever so steady, stable and assured job I have right now. A job they would gladly let me keep forever as long as I kept doing a good job. 

A freak out because I am in a place now where I have to get my teacher's certification, which is not inherently a bad thing, but the process of it is so extensive. So extensive when I have already been teaching, and not just teaching- but teaching well and effectively- for 2 years now. 

A freak out because I could skip lots of that process, a good 13 weeks of it, if I just take the TExES/EtCET Latin Exam.  At first I thought, pffff. No problem. What do you think I have been doing for the past 2 years? What did I study so much in college? Uhhh. Latin. 

But then I looked at the practice exams, and really freaked out. It is h.a.r.d. And I am good at Latin. But honestly, I haven't LOOKED at Vergil's Aeneid (in Latin) since Junior year of college. I have NEVER read any Cicero. There were some authors listed that I had flat out never heard of.  And if I were to take this exam and pass, I would enter into the program just in time to be employable for the 2009-2010 school year. Sounds great, huh? Not when the next, and last possible exam date to be eligible for this program is April 4. Less than 2 months away. Again, not a problem when you don't teach full time already. I just don't think I have the time for heavy, difficult Latin reading outside of what I am already doing to stay on top of teaching, stay on top of my life, stay on top in general.

If I don't pass that exam, I will have to wait and apply for this program in May. I wouldn't be able to teach in a public school until 2010-2011. This would mean that for 2009-2010, I would be working through content stuff and general classes, but most of these classes are evening classes and Saturday classes.  

CB has already told me that I do not have to work when we get down there. He has told me that if I want to go back to school, I can do that. Not trying to be gauche about this, but he makes enough that I don't really have to work full-time, and he is okay with me going to school instead of working. But the idea of not working honestly freaks me out. 

I have thought about being a full-time private tutor. Tutoring, and working my way through the alternative certification program. Then going back to teaching in 2010-2011. Or I could work on finding another private school job which might, perchance, hire me sans teaching certificate, but let me work on it while I am teaching.

I just don't know and that scares me more than anything. 

The heart of the matter is this: Every aspect of my life is changing in less than 4 months. I am leaving the only big girl job I have ever had. I am leaving a perfectly stable, good job. I am leaving my secure apartment. I am leaving the area I have lived in my entire life. I am leaving my family,  from whom I have never been further than 45 minutes. What if my new teaching job sucks? What if the students are horrendous and mean? What if the other teachers are mean and unfriendly? What if CB and I get down there and fall apart- nevermind the fact we have been together over 2.5 years by then and have known each other for over 4 years, and the fact that I respect him deeply as a person and love him deeply and consider him my best friend and that we have worked really hard to make our relationship work through being in college together to being long distance together. What if it all comes apart? What if I can't find a job? What if I do find a job, and they don't think I am a very good teacher? What if I fail? 

What if I fail?