Post-Wedding, Post-honeymoon, disgruntled blues

Annnd, I'm back.

The wedding was wonderful, and one of these days I will find the motivation to post some pictures here soon. Aside from my step-grandmother violently grabbing my arm and telling me that my stepfather was a more of a father to me than my biological father right before the first dance, the whole thing went off without a hitch (still pissed about the comment though- who says that to a bride ON HER WEDDING DAY?!!?!).

The honeymoon was fan-freaking-tastic as well. We had a world of trouble, literally, getting to Rome, but once there it was heavenly. I frequently wish we were still on our honeymoon on a day to day basis. Being back in the "real" world has been a little rough. CB started his internal medicine rotation and oh my, has that been my worst nightmare. These are the worst hours he has had to work thus far and I miss him all the time. This could also be my hormones speaking dramatically as my period is just days away... either way, he's gone a lot and I haven't been coping as well as I used to. Our dining room table is covered in wedding gifts that have been opened but need to be sorted and put away (glasses, glasses, more glasses, dishes, crystal, etc.) and quite frankly, I don't have a place for it all yet. So there it has remained on the dining room table. And, there are hundreds of thank-yous to write. Starting with the showers that were thrown for me in the very late fall. I'm a little overwhelmed.

Add to this the fact that I teach 3rd-5th graders, and you have one disgruntled LB. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my job and I love the kids I teach. I love the people I work with. But, I do not like teaching basic Latin day after day. I want to teach the gooood stuff. The Latin 2 and 3 stuff. The fun stuff. The can't help but get excited because OMG I am reading REAL LATIN.

And then again, maybe I am just all out of whack because everything in my world has been out of whack for the last month.

Possibly exacerbating the problem and my loneliness with CB working long hours is the fact that all my dear friends live elsewhere. I have friends here, sure, but they are work friends that I don't really hang out with regularly outside of school. I have one good friend from high school down here, but she is also married and spends the vast majority of her time hanging out with her husband who doesn't so much work the long hours on a regular basis. It is hard to find friends who will spontaneously go to the movies with you, or dinner, or lunch, or hunt through the racks at Ann Taylor Loft to find you cute clothes for a good deal. People you can call on a moment's notice who will say, "Yea, sure. I'll go with you." I had that in my last city, when CB and I were long distance. I had that in college. I don't have it anymore.

So, here I am. Married to a wonderful man who has a job that requires much of his time and energy, a job for which I respect him greatly, but am jealous of the time it takes. Living in a city I like (on most days, if I'm not driving). Working a job that isn't so much fulfilling like I want it to be. Overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family and befuddled by where to store it and the amount of thanks I have yet to express. And lonely.

It's been a rough go of it since I've been back in the States.

Mean People Suck

During the wee hours of this morning, I was verbally attacked via a comment on my facebook status.

In all fairness to the other girl, I don't know her very well. It may have been her way of "joking around," or some kind of odd playful chiding. I went to high school with her and we never really associated with one another, though I always had the distinct feeling that she didn't like me. Or thought I was somehow really dumb or superficial- not caring about anything but stupid crap. All of course, based on her assumptions about me because I happened to be a boy crazy cheerleader. And all of these are, of course, my own assumptions about what she thought about me because she was never all too friendly or nice to me and I never really took the time to get to know her. Alas, see where assumptions get us? Absolutely nowhere.

Anyway, I digress. The insult was this:

My status at the time said: Lauren _____ is listening to glorious classical Christmas music, drinking hot chocolate and admiring the tree she and CB just decorated.

Her comment in the wee hours of the morning was:

How very stepford of you. congrats.

Upon reading this at one something this morning, I was mortified. Stepford? All I know about that word is that it is meant to be an offensive way of describing a wife. So I googled it. Urbandictonary.com told me that "stepford wife is "used to describe a servile, compliant, submissive, spineless wife who happily does her husband's bidding and serves his every whim dutifully"

or

Can also be used to describe a wife who is cookie-cutter & bland in appearance and behavior. Subscribes to a popular look and dares not deviate from that look.

I don't mean to be particular here, but neither of those is very flattering to me. The "congrats" part on the end especially made it snappy, as if I meant to sound self-involved and super proud of myself. If this had come from a close friend, I probably wouldn't have been so offended, but seeing as how it came from someone I hardly know I was indeed personally offended.

What does she even know about me?

Does she know my husband cooks most meals?

Does she know that I love teaching and working with kids?

Does she know that my heart aches for those affected by genocide and will vehemently oppose it and all other forms of hatred for as long as I live?

Does she know that I believe in loving people as they are?

Does she know that my husband is my best friend, not someone for whom I am completely servile and spineless?

Does she know that I desire to genuinely make a difference in this world?

Does she know that I happen to love Christmas and enjoy decorating for it every year and simply like to relish the moment?

Does she know that I have feelings?

Does she know that I have never had anything against her?

I would like to say that I took the high road in this situation and simply ignored it. But I didn't.

I wrote back something snappy and probably equally as childish. What is it about meanness that brings out the worst reactions in us, and why is it so effing hard to take the high road?

I am so tired of hearing nothing

Here is how it seems to be going in my job search world:

Search websites.

Find potential job.

Drop everything and spend an hour or two filling out the application, craft a good cover letter, etc.

Submit application.

Jump through the 12 other hoops they want me to jump through, including, but not limited to:

mailing in my college transcripts

mailing in my resume

mailing in my last 2 performance reviews

taking an online 'teacher assessment' test

Commence waiting

Wait

Wait

Call to check on status of application

Told that application is 'active' and that's all they can say

Wait

Nothing. Hear nothing.

So yesterday, when CB got home, I started crying. I tried not to. I tried to explain to him that my bff Sarah and I discussed that it was about time I start looking for non-teaching jobs. That I could always wait tables because I have experience doing this. Or that I could start looking at random retail jobs, except that I would want to spend my whole paycheck there. I tried to tell him that I had two issues with those, the first issue being that I have a Bachelor's degree and that I have had a real, salaried job. I know it's a pride thing but it is really hard to imagine taking a job that a high school student could have. The second issue is this: I love teaching. What if I get a job that isn't teaching and I can never make my way back into it? What if I forget all my Latins? Turns out, I couldn't tell him all of this without tearing up. I can hardly type it without tearing up. So I cried. He held me and told me that it was going to be okay and is there anything he can do to help me look. I said not really. Then I left for my teaching certification class.

When I got home, he told me he had spent an hour looking for jobs for me. He found the same problem I do when it comes to teaching positions: there are none. But, he had found a non-teaching job that I might like and I should go look at it on his computer. So I did, and admittedly, it looks like something I could do and like and be good at. It was just posted yesterday, so I immediately filled out the 7 page online application, wrote a good cover letter and attached it with my resume.

The position is for Associate Student Activities director with the community college district here. It requires that you have a bachelor's degree and 3-4 years of experience in education, student activities or another related field. Well then, I have 2 years of experience in education and 3 years of experience as an RA and 2 summers of experience as a camp counselor. I'm hoping that works for them. Basically, in this job, I would help plan and implement educational and entertaining extracurricular activities. I would probably work with a team of people, but possibly be in charge of it. Still working with/for students, which I like. Getting to be creative and interact with people a lot, which I also like. The problem is this... colleges often have people lined up internally for these types of positions but are required to post them online anyway. I am really really hoping that isn't the case here, because I could really stand to hear good news for once. So, we will see. I am trying not to get my hopes up, and, I am still looking. Always looking.

The Blahs

I've come down with a mild case of the 'blahs.'

I hate waking up every day to a to-do list full of nothing but household chores and unpacking the last 10 boxes. I don't want to unpack the last 10 boxes. I have nowhere to put that stuff.

I don't want to clean the toilets... again... because I feel like I just cleaned them.

I don't want to vacuum. I don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to do laundry. I don't want to do homework for school tonight.

I just want to lay... and just... be.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my life. I just am sick of housework. I am sick of unpacking. And I would take a long break... except that CB goes to the hospital every day for at least 12 hours. If I haven't done anything when he gets home, I feel horribly bad. Like I have failed as a wife. I don't have a job, and I don't do housework either. I am a parasite. He doesn't say these things of course, but I feel that way on the inside.

A Different Sort of Issue

I know that I have been seemingly down, frustrated, etc. in this blog lately.

I guess it is just that I am very tired. Now, if I told you what time I go to sleep every night, most would laugh in my face because OMG how can you be that tired when you go to bed by 10:30 every night. My response would be snappy and irritated:

I am tired because I teach junior high/high school kids all day long. I am tired because I do not get to stop working when I am at home like most people in the working world, where I theoretically am supposed to kick back and relax. I work all the way up to bed time, in my own home. And then I wake up at 6:10 the next morning and arrive to school by 7:15-ish. Then, especially this week, I tutor a kid or two before school starts. If I don't tutor, I work. I make copies. I grade stuff. Then I repeat the cycle of teaching kids all day long. 30 minutes for lunch. One period to make more copies, grade, have meetings and respond to email. Then after school I do a variety of things depending on the day. Sometimes I grade, sometimes I make tests, reviews, homework, etc. Sometimes- and definitely on Wednesdays, I tutor until 5. Then I come home, hopefully work out, begin working and chat to my friend in Florida... all the while grading and recording grades. Making tests and test reviews, homework, quizzes.... the list goes on.

So yes. I am tired. I know I go to bed at 10:30 and that is early. But I am exhausted. I get tired when I am talking all day. Non-stop. (Imagine having to give a class or work presentation for 6 hours straight and you will know just how much I talk in a day- and that is just the teaching talking, not conversations). I get tired when I am constantly repeating myself. I get tired when I am getting onto kids who really should know better (and I hate that part more than anything). I get tired of not having any 'me' time. EVER. Except Saturdays (which I force on myself, because honestly, not working on Saturdays means I still start the next week behind on everything. But I can't go seven days a week. I just can't.)

People who I know could understand: most students in higher education- not college mind you. But higher than college. Things like Master's programs, MD programs, JD programs, PhD programs, and many a nursing school.

But then I also know that very few know the exhaustion and frustration of a teacher like only another teacher could.

It is frustrating, painful, annoying, maddening, wretched to grade the homework, quizzes and tests (which you yourself have made) of YOUR OWN STUDENTS, who you and no one else taught, and cover the page in red ink. To write a failing, or even just a C grade at the top of the page. It is heartbreaking and disappointing, and you begin to take it personal: Wow. I must not have taught them very well. Wow. They must not listen to me. Wow. I must not be a very good teacher.

Only a teacher can know what this feels like. Because these students- kids, teenagers, adults, whatever- are your job. You think to yourself, "They are my work. They are the project which will signify whether I have done a good job or not. They are the showing of my ability."

And when they don't do well.... it wears on you. It not only makes you exhausted, because you feel like you don't know how else to explain things and get them to JUST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UNDERSTAND, but also because it eats away at your own confidence in your abilities.

Please don't misunderstand me. I love my job. I love what I have chosen to do. I know that I made a choice to take on this weariness and work. I also love my students. I have a very talented, enjoyable bunch of kids this year- all 73 of them. They are respectful (for the most part), never malicious, never mean (to me at least- we are working on the 'to each other' part), and overall we have a mutual liking and respect.

But,the ones that I taught last year which I am again teaching this year on the next level of Latin. They are letting me down. Or maybe it's that I have let them down. I just can't tell anymore.

It does wear on me. I come home and I need an outlet. This blog has been my outlet for this week.

That... and talking to other teachers.

Progress Reports Solve All Problems

Yesterday, I was fed up with one of my former favorite classes. (Last year, I heart-ed the 7th graders). They have been far too comfortable with me as their teacher.

Yes, I know that I taught you last year. Yes, I know that I liked you people and for the most part you liked me. Yes, I know we used to talk about all sorts of stuff.

No, that does not mean you can come into my class this year and goof around. No, that does not mean you don't have to do your homework. No, that does not mean I am only kidding when I say, 'Hey- stop talking- this is important (which it all is... so I say this a lot)." No, this does not mean that you can forget everything I taught you last year.

So today I did three things.

I made three significant points:
a. Latin is a language that builds on itself every year (which is why you can't forget what you learned last year- duh.) I told you this last year. Get with the program or get help from me.
b. Your homework has been atrocious. You are either lazy, or I didn't teach you well enough. I know you people did well last year, so it can't be the latter.
c. I know you are all very capable. I know you have good, functional, pretty brains- use them. Stop being lazy and let me teach you now please.

Then I gave out the world's BEST (no lie) test review. And I went through it with them, and talked them through how to think out the questions.

Then I handed out progress reports for their parents to sign. With notes. To their parents. All about their performance and behavior in my class.


Guess which course of action had the greatest results.