I have been slow with writing because CB has been here for the past week or so, and since it is rare I get to spend more than 2 days with him... I chose to spend most every minute with him rather than blogging about it.
2009 is going to be a huge year. Something about odd years for CB and I... they contain a lot.
In 2007, we graduated from college, he moved to DC, I moved into my own place in my city, he started medical school, I started teaching.
We started long distance that summer.
I struggled so much through that summer. Many tears, doubts and worries overcame me time and again. I couldn't bear the sadness in my heart- the lack of wholeness I felt with CB gone in another state, seemingly living a completely different life. CB was undescribably patient through the whole thing. Through my crazy phone calls. Through the excessive crying. All the while telling me that it was okay to be missy, and that he and I weren't drifting apart, etc.
And then Fall came and I started teaching. The tears, doubts and worries didn't immediately rush away, but gradually I worked them out of my system, because really, who wants to live their life like that?
2008 was important for many reasons, namely CB and I getting engaged towards the end, but overall- life went on as it had for the majority of 2007. CB med schooling. Me teaching. Me living life in Dallas, and getting quite used to it, and CB living life in DC.
2009 is a little more significant- like 2007. Odd numbers.
CB and I will move to the same city for the first time in 2 years. I will leave my teaching job and find one in this new place (to be announced later this month). CB will still be in medical school, but entering a new, entirely different phase of it. This phase is called 'clerkships.' He will rotate through 8 specialities over the course of the year, most likely beginning with general surgury, and he will switch hospital locations a time or two... meaning small spurts of long distance, but nothing compared to two long years.
He and I will get married at the very end of 2009.
And it seems that 2009 is beginning with tears, doubts and worries just as the summer of 2007 contained.
While CB was here I had a bit of a mini-breakdown. This time, all the upset being over the complete opposite (and some not so opposite) of that in 2007.
What if I am too used to living on my own? What if I can't stand living with someone else? I am too used to the long distance- I don't miss him or long for him like I always have?! Where are the lovey feelings which used to consume my heart 100% of the time?! He is continually giving of himself- helpful, kind, patient- and I all could seem to muster was lukewarm appreciation. What if I didn't love him the same anymore?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY HEART?! WHERE DID IT GO?!
Horrifying. Because I have always always felt so incredibly in love with him. Always. Because I have most all of the time felt those lovey feelings in my heart. Because I have always missed him- from the depths of my heart missed him- when we are apart. Because I always wanted to be giving of myself in return- helpful, kind, patient, loving, appreciative.
All these new feelings of fear jumped on me while we were driving back from the ranch yesterday and I broke down into tears and told him. He was very saddened by my words, which made me cry even more.
We talked for a long time in the parking lot of a VFW meeting place in the middle of country, Texas. Only 5 months left of long distance. 5 months in comparison to the year and half we have come. I know in my head that I love him, I know I want to be with him forever. Whatever happens, however we have to adjust to being in the same city, we will do it. And that perhaps I have made myself so busy so I wouldn't let myself feel the longing. In doing so, I have handicapped myself.
It is okay to long. It is okay to miss. It is okay to feel sadness because I don't want this other person to be far away.
I took on a lot this academic year. Lots of tutoring, lots of classes, lots of grading, lots of things to occupy nearly every minute of my days. I did it so I wouldn't feel sad and missy. I am wishing right now that I had left myself some time every day to miss CB.
When we talked, he was encouraging to me. Reminding me that you don't always feel 100% lovey all the time in your heart when you are with someone forever. That you have to know in your head that you love a person and commit to that love, and the lovey feelings and warmness will return in time. And he told me that he wasn't worried about me not loving him or forever being lukewarm- he knew that I would return to my normal self. I think that last part made me feel the most better. Confidence that I will return.
And really, I love CB. So so so very much. I just got scared for a second.
So yeah. There's all that. Odd years are scary. And we have 2011 to look forward to...
2011: Graduating medical school, beginning residency, and moving: round 2. Neat.
In more positive news:
I am feeling MUCH better today, even though CB returned to DC. I do miss him a lot. I am ready for this distance crap to be over.
A teacher friend of mine was contacted by some important-ish guy in the city which I will most likely be relocating to this summer (remaining undisclosed until confirmation). He needs a Latin teacher. She told him she has a very likely prospect for him and that I will contact him soon. EEEEE! JOB!
The reception site is coming closer and closer to fruition. If I would just email the effing lady the proposed menu so she could give and estimate, we could pay a down payment and sign the contract. Oh, and for those who are wondering: Tower Club is the winner.
School starts back on Monday- UGGGH. I haven't graded finals either. Guess what I will be doing today? : )
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