An Update For Jane

Hi Jane! Got your email! : )

Anyways. So I used to read this girl's blog, and I did not know her in person, but I loved to read her thoughts. She was a wonderful writer, and though there were many things she said she could not reveal about her life, I was really interested in what she did share of her life. I was actually saddened when she said she was shutting down her blog at the beginning of this year.

Well... recently (as in yesterday) I was perusing the blog world (I frequently find new interesting people to read from links on other people's blogs. I obviously need to spend more time doing things I'm supposed to do... like, uh, clean?), and I came across this one blog. It was anonymous, so I didn't know who was writing it, but I did know it was a girl. This girl was basically bearing her heart and soul about the fact she had had an affair and ended it, and how she was trying desperately to work on her marraige, while simultaneously trying to mend a broken heart (from the affair). I read her blog all the way back to when it started... at the beginning of this year. I actually teared up when she wrote about how she wrote her husband an email after much thought and contemplation one night and told him that she was going to give him her whole heart, if he wanted it, and then she waited for hours for his response: 'I desperately want your heart.' 

Tears. In my eyeballs. 

Anyways... long story short. It's the same girl. She had a video of herself singing and playing guitar, and I looked closely and realized- Hey. This looks an awful lot like ------.  And then I realized... it is --------. She had an entry about how she shut down her old blog because she couldn't truly write about herself and her life. People were reading. Family was reading. Her husband was reading. Her bosses were reading. She felt she couldn't truly be honest about herself when all these people who know her were reading all of it. So she started an anonymous blog. I was SO happy to find it. 

Maybe it is that I have a romantic view of life/the world. Everything can be beautiful when it is beautifully written, I guess. In reality that poor girl more than likely aches on the inside all the time. She feels torn and anxious and possibly like the world is bleak and dark (are those the same thing? anyways...)

But from my perspective, this girl is living real life. She has a job, she has a dog, she has made decisions- good and bad- and she has to suffer the consequences for the bad ones. She will recover, as most everyone does eventually, and life will move on. She will learn something. Despite her sadness for her situation (which, I can admit she put herself in... but still... I don't believe you can judge a person for being human and thus fallible*) it is touching to read about it. It is a relief to read real-ness. Real pain and ambiguity. Nice to know we are not alone in this world with our bad decisions, regrets, and yet still- small moments of hope and love. 

I wish I could write anonymously (what was I thinking using my first name!?). I wish I could live anonymously sometimes. As previously written on this blog- it seems there are too many people who are too quick to judge others and as a result people end up hiding some of the most intimate, real moments and decisions of thier lives. It is like we alienate ourselves from one another because we are too scared to be honest about our sins and regrets and thus we end up feeling alone. I say we. Maybe I just mean I. 

I don't regret my decisions. I do not for a second want to change what I have done. If it was a mistake that I suffered consequences for: I learned a lesson. If it was a decision that I didn't/don't consider a mistake, but others might: I really don't care. But I do care enough not to share these questionable decisions on the internetz or with my co-workers (though parents and friends know many of these... I can be open about things with them). Life is messy. Not everyone can share all the details publicly, and maybe sometimes the details get smudged into a better, shinier version because we want people to think/see us as better than we really are. 

An anonymous life would be good though. Because I HATE lying.