It is 8:41 pm on Sunday, and I have completed 90% of my to-do list.
Today I actually thoroughly cleaned my apartment. I whipped out the clorox, the Perfect Glass glass cleaner, even the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I scrubbed. I vacuumed (sort of... I vacuuming). I swept. I Swiffer wet-jetted. For the first time since school started I feel like my life is clean, mostly. The exception would be my comforter which was neglected today, still covered in all the effing animal hair. That I almost can't take anymore. I will do it this week.
I also prepared the next week, per usual, of lesson plans and the first few homeworks.
I went to Target and spent way too much money buying food... and the first season of House, MD. You know, as a prize for myself. And a new hair dryer- this is serious though, because my old one broke.
I did a lot of laundry, dwindling down my large mass into one managable last load (hah! there is no such thing). But I did ruin one of my favorite pairs of work pants. The one time I don't read the label it happens to be dry clean only. Piss. What to do now?
I made, sort of, blueberry muffins as a breakfast treat for the paltry amount of Spirit Committee members likely to show up before school tomorrow to work on decorating v-ball lockers.
In doing all of this, I still managed to have my mom come over (and thus prompt the cleaning...), go to lunch with her, chat to friends, and... pretty much nothing else.
The last 10% of my list? Grade the mountain of papers from last week. Plan the week after this one, so that I don't have to even think about my work next weekend while I'm with CB (finally... a weekend where I really spend the whole weekend as a weekend). Clean my bedding (effing animal hair). Go to Tom Thumb to buy Breyer's Pomegranate Blend popsicles. I LOVE them.
But alas, I will not dwell on what didn't get done. My washer and dryer are empty. My dishwasher is empty. I can look around my apartment and feel satisfaction.
Off to the shower.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Random updates
It's Sunday. This means I am doing lots of chores, errands and working.
I leave for DC in 5 days to see CB. I am super excited.
Purchased some fall clothes yesterday- also very exciting.
Got lots of sleep last night. Still sleepy. But this time I think it is just my natural defense against work more than anything else.
Okay. Gotta go. Love you bye.
I leave for DC in 5 days to see CB. I am super excited.
Purchased some fall clothes yesterday- also very exciting.
Got lots of sleep last night. Still sleepy. But this time I think it is just my natural defense against work more than anything else.
Okay. Gotta go. Love you bye.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A Different Sort of Issue
I know that I have been seemingly down, frustrated, etc. in this blog lately.
I guess it is just that I am very tired. Now, if I told you what time I go to sleep every night, most would laugh in my face because OMG how can you be that tired when you go to bed by 10:30 every night. My response would be snappy and irritated:
I am tired because I teach junior high/high school kids all day long. I am tired because I do not get to stop working when I am at home like most people in the working world, where I theoretically am supposed to kick back and relax. I work all the way up to bed time, in my own home. And then I wake up at 6:10 the next morning and arrive to school by 7:15-ish. Then, especially this week, I tutor a kid or two before school starts. If I don't tutor, I work. I make copies. I grade stuff. Then I repeat the cycle of teaching kids all day long. 30 minutes for lunch. One period to make more copies, grade, have meetings and respond to email. Then after school I do a variety of things depending on the day. Sometimes I grade, sometimes I make tests, reviews, homework, etc. Sometimes- and definitely on Wednesdays, I tutor until 5. Then I come home, hopefully work out, begin working and chat to my friend in Florida... all the while grading and recording grades. Making tests and test reviews, homework, quizzes.... the list goes on.
So yes. I am tired. I know I go to bed at 10:30 and that is early. But I am exhausted. I get tired when I am talking all day. Non-stop. (Imagine having to give a class or work presentation for 6 hours straight and you will know just how much I talk in a day- and that is just the teaching talking, not conversations). I get tired when I am constantly repeating myself. I get tired when I am getting onto kids who really should know better (and I hate that part more than anything). I get tired of not having any 'me' time. EVER. Except Saturdays (which I force on myself, because honestly, not working on Saturdays means I still start the next week behind on everything. But I can't go seven days a week. I just can't.)
People who I know could understand: most students in higher education- not college mind you. But higher than college. Things like Master's programs, MD programs, JD programs, PhD programs, and many a nursing school.
But then I also know that very few know the exhaustion and frustration of a teacher like only another teacher could.
It is frustrating, painful, annoying, maddening, wretched to grade the homework, quizzes and tests (which you yourself have made) of YOUR OWN STUDENTS, who you and no one else taught, and cover the page in red ink. To write a failing, or even just a C grade at the top of the page. It is heartbreaking and disappointing, and you begin to take it personal: Wow. I must not have taught them very well. Wow. They must not listen to me. Wow. I must not be a very good teacher.
Only a teacher can know what this feels like. Because these students- kids, teenagers, adults, whatever- are your job. You think to yourself, "They are my work. They are the project which will signify whether I have done a good job or not. They are the showing of my ability."
And when they don't do well.... it wears on you. It not only makes you exhausted, because you feel like you don't know how else to explain things and get them to JUST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UNDERSTAND, but also because it eats away at your own confidence in your abilities.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love my job. I love what I have chosen to do. I know that I made a choice to take on this weariness and work. I also love my students. I have a very talented, enjoyable bunch of kids this year- all 73 of them. They are respectful (for the most part), never malicious, never mean (to me at least- we are working on the 'to each other' part), and overall we have a mutual liking and respect.
But,the ones that I taught last year which I am again teaching this year on the next level of Latin. They are letting me down. Or maybe it's that I have let them down. I just can't tell anymore.
It does wear on me. I come home and I need an outlet. This blog has been my outlet for this week.
That... and talking to other teachers.
I guess it is just that I am very tired. Now, if I told you what time I go to sleep every night, most would laugh in my face because OMG how can you be that tired when you go to bed by 10:30 every night. My response would be snappy and irritated:
I am tired because I teach junior high/high school kids all day long. I am tired because I do not get to stop working when I am at home like most people in the working world, where I theoretically am supposed to kick back and relax. I work all the way up to bed time, in my own home. And then I wake up at 6:10 the next morning and arrive to school by 7:15-ish. Then, especially this week, I tutor a kid or two before school starts. If I don't tutor, I work. I make copies. I grade stuff. Then I repeat the cycle of teaching kids all day long. 30 minutes for lunch. One period to make more copies, grade, have meetings and respond to email. Then after school I do a variety of things depending on the day. Sometimes I grade, sometimes I make tests, reviews, homework, etc. Sometimes- and definitely on Wednesdays, I tutor until 5. Then I come home, hopefully work out, begin working and chat to my friend in Florida... all the while grading and recording grades. Making tests and test reviews, homework, quizzes.... the list goes on.
So yes. I am tired. I know I go to bed at 10:30 and that is early. But I am exhausted. I get tired when I am talking all day. Non-stop. (Imagine having to give a class or work presentation for 6 hours straight and you will know just how much I talk in a day- and that is just the teaching talking, not conversations). I get tired when I am constantly repeating myself. I get tired when I am getting onto kids who really should know better (and I hate that part more than anything). I get tired of not having any 'me' time. EVER. Except Saturdays (which I force on myself, because honestly, not working on Saturdays means I still start the next week behind on everything. But I can't go seven days a week. I just can't.)
People who I know could understand: most students in higher education- not college mind you. But higher than college. Things like Master's programs, MD programs, JD programs, PhD programs, and many a nursing school.
But then I also know that very few know the exhaustion and frustration of a teacher like only another teacher could.
It is frustrating, painful, annoying, maddening, wretched to grade the homework, quizzes and tests (which you yourself have made) of YOUR OWN STUDENTS, who you and no one else taught, and cover the page in red ink. To write a failing, or even just a C grade at the top of the page. It is heartbreaking and disappointing, and you begin to take it personal: Wow. I must not have taught them very well. Wow. They must not listen to me. Wow. I must not be a very good teacher.
Only a teacher can know what this feels like. Because these students- kids, teenagers, adults, whatever- are your job. You think to yourself, "They are my work. They are the project which will signify whether I have done a good job or not. They are the showing of my ability."
And when they don't do well.... it wears on you. It not only makes you exhausted, because you feel like you don't know how else to explain things and get them to JUST FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UNDERSTAND, but also because it eats away at your own confidence in your abilities.
Please don't misunderstand me. I love my job. I love what I have chosen to do. I know that I made a choice to take on this weariness and work. I also love my students. I have a very talented, enjoyable bunch of kids this year- all 73 of them. They are respectful (for the most part), never malicious, never mean (to me at least- we are working on the 'to each other' part), and overall we have a mutual liking and respect.
But,the ones that I taught last year which I am again teaching this year on the next level of Latin. They are letting me down. Or maybe it's that I have let them down. I just can't tell anymore.
It does wear on me. I come home and I need an outlet. This blog has been my outlet for this week.
That... and talking to other teachers.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Progress Reports Solve All Problems
Yesterday, I was fed up with one of my former favorite classes. (Last year, I heart-ed the 7th graders). They have been far too comfortable with me as their teacher.
Yes, I know that I taught you last year. Yes, I know that I liked you people and for the most part you liked me. Yes, I know we used to talk about all sorts of stuff.
No, that does not mean you can come into my class this year and goof around. No, that does not mean you don't have to do your homework. No, that does not mean I am only kidding when I say, 'Hey- stop talking- this is important (which it all is... so I say this a lot)." No, this does not mean that you can forget everything I taught you last year.
So today I did three things.
I made three significant points:
a. Latin is a language that builds on itself every year (which is why you can't forget what you learned last year- duh.) I told you this last year. Get with the program or get help from me.
b. Your homework has been atrocious. You are either lazy, or I didn't teach you well enough. I know you people did well last year, so it can't be the latter.
c. I know you are all very capable. I know you have good, functional, pretty brains- use them. Stop being lazy and let me teach you now please.
Then I gave out the world's BEST (no lie) test review. And I went through it with them, and talked them through how to think out the questions.
Then I handed out progress reports for their parents to sign. With notes. To their parents. All about their performance and behavior in my class.
Guess which course of action had the greatest results.
Yes, I know that I taught you last year. Yes, I know that I liked you people and for the most part you liked me. Yes, I know we used to talk about all sorts of stuff.
No, that does not mean you can come into my class this year and goof around. No, that does not mean you don't have to do your homework. No, that does not mean I am only kidding when I say, 'Hey- stop talking- this is important (which it all is... so I say this a lot)." No, this does not mean that you can forget everything I taught you last year.
So today I did three things.
I made three significant points:
a. Latin is a language that builds on itself every year (which is why you can't forget what you learned last year- duh.) I told you this last year. Get with the program or get help from me.
b. Your homework has been atrocious. You are either lazy, or I didn't teach you well enough. I know you people did well last year, so it can't be the latter.
c. I know you are all very capable. I know you have good, functional, pretty brains- use them. Stop being lazy and let me teach you now please.
Then I gave out the world's BEST (no lie) test review. And I went through it with them, and talked them through how to think out the questions.
Then I handed out progress reports for their parents to sign. With notes. To their parents. All about their performance and behavior in my class.
Guess which course of action had the greatest results.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Too much of everything
Too tired.
Too much work.
Too hungry.
Too grouchy.
Too many kids who forgot everything I have taught them already.
Too irritated at seventh graders who won't shutup in class.
Too many homework assignments, projects, and quizzes to grade.
Too many test reviews to write tonight.
Too many tests to give this week.
Too many inches around my belly to work off.
Not a good day. Not motivated. Not positive. Not a good start to my week.
Too much work.
Too hungry.
Too grouchy.
Too many kids who forgot everything I have taught them already.
Too irritated at seventh graders who won't shutup in class.
Too many homework assignments, projects, and quizzes to grade.
Too many test reviews to write tonight.
Too many tests to give this week.
Too many inches around my belly to work off.
Not a good day. Not motivated. Not positive. Not a good start to my week.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Thick Skin.
I've never had it.
I am an interminably sensitive person. Sometimes the smallest things can crush my feelings.
Sometimes I lay in bed and think about how nice it would be to just not care. To not care what people think. To not care that that one woman at school today really snapped at me. Or, better yet, to not assume that it must be because she doesn't like me.
To be clear: There are certain moments that I don't care what people think. For example, I didn't care on my first day of my second semester of senior year of college what people thought about the fact I wore hot pink sweat pants, a long-sleeved t-shirt with a blue sweater over it and ugg boots to every class that day. I remember my bff CD- hook- seeing me in class that night asking me something to the effect of, wtf are you wearing?
I laughed.
I can mismatch my clothes all day long. I can go days without makeup and with messy hair. Why? Because I know on the inside that I have the ability to dress very nicely with very hot shoes and that I have pretty awesome hair. Really, I do. I'm just saying.
But when it comes to what people think of my character. When it comes to what people think of me as a person- crazy/not crazy. smart/stupid. good person/bad person. nice/mean. like her/hate her. I care more than I probably should.
I know that in all honesty I make a concerted effort to be nice to people. I know that I am a good person and try my best to do the right thing. I know that I am a Christian and believe that loving people is the ultimate sign of my faith. But I am self-conscious of people thinking I am crazy.
I am pretty sure that I'm not. I am pretty sure that I have very strong emotions and get my feelings hurt easily. I do cry a lot sometimes. I worry that this translates in other people's minds as me being crazy- and for whatever reason, that is a thought I can't bear. I can't stand the thought of people thinking I'm a nut job.
Put me in a hot pink sweatsuit though, and I'm good to go.
I am an interminably sensitive person. Sometimes the smallest things can crush my feelings.
Sometimes I lay in bed and think about how nice it would be to just not care. To not care what people think. To not care that that one woman at school today really snapped at me. Or, better yet, to not assume that it must be because she doesn't like me.
To be clear: There are certain moments that I don't care what people think. For example, I didn't care on my first day of my second semester of senior year of college what people thought about the fact I wore hot pink sweat pants, a long-sleeved t-shirt with a blue sweater over it and ugg boots to every class that day. I remember my bff CD- hook- seeing me in class that night asking me something to the effect of, wtf are you wearing?
I laughed.
I can mismatch my clothes all day long. I can go days without makeup and with messy hair. Why? Because I know on the inside that I have the ability to dress very nicely with very hot shoes and that I have pretty awesome hair. Really, I do. I'm just saying.
But when it comes to what people think of my character. When it comes to what people think of me as a person- crazy/not crazy. smart/stupid. good person/bad person. nice/mean. like her/hate her. I care more than I probably should.
I know that in all honesty I make a concerted effort to be nice to people. I know that I am a good person and try my best to do the right thing. I know that I am a Christian and believe that loving people is the ultimate sign of my faith. But I am self-conscious of people thinking I am crazy.
I am pretty sure that I'm not. I am pretty sure that I have very strong emotions and get my feelings hurt easily. I do cry a lot sometimes. I worry that this translates in other people's minds as me being crazy- and for whatever reason, that is a thought I can't bear. I can't stand the thought of people thinking I'm a nut job.
Put me in a hot pink sweatsuit though, and I'm good to go.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My Blog Move
Dear Blogger,
I am new to this blogging site. I recently made the move from my site at laurenj.vox.com. I needed more. I hope to find it here. Like more/better templates and flexibility with what I can put on the page. Please don't let me down. I hope to not have to move to yet another blog site this year (it is embarassing to say that this is my 3rd attempt at a blog in a year... who does that?!). It is all for the sake of features and not being found through search sites.
That being said, if I am unsatisfied here I will probably give up blogging altogether and just write my dear friends all over the world emails instead of having a one-stop shop for what's happening with me.
I would appreciate your cooperation, thanks.
I am new to this blogging site. I recently made the move from my site at laurenj.vox.com. I needed more. I hope to find it here. Like more/better templates and flexibility with what I can put on the page. Please don't let me down. I hope to not have to move to yet another blog site this year (it is embarassing to say that this is my 3rd attempt at a blog in a year... who does that?!). It is all for the sake of features and not being found through search sites.
That being said, if I am unsatisfied here I will probably give up blogging altogether and just write my dear friends all over the world emails instead of having a one-stop shop for what's happening with me.
I would appreciate your cooperation, thanks.
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