Bad blogger with excuses

T-6, pretty much 5 by now, days until the WEDDING. And once it's all over, I will be able to breath... and blog... regularly again.

Tomorrow is my second to last day of work before I head up to Dallas to take care of final preparations and get ready to marry my wonderful husband, again, in a chapel with a minister this time. : )

I am so excited for the day, and yet so excited for the day to be over so that my life can just be centered around teaching, cheer coaching and hanging out. No more wedding thoughts hanging out in the bag of my mind, crowding my schedule.

And, I've almost finished my first whole semester in a new place! Teaching elementary kids! Coaching middle school girls! Without the immediate presence of my friend and mentor PR to tell me what to do. I survived on my own, and, from what my co-workers tell me, I've settled in nicely. It brings relief to my heart and soul to know I can do this on my own.

Now... December 19, please get here.

PS: CB has conveniently returned to his medical school for mandatory meetings and classes until Thursday. Way to escape, sir, way to escape. : )

Mean People Suck

During the wee hours of this morning, I was verbally attacked via a comment on my facebook status.

In all fairness to the other girl, I don't know her very well. It may have been her way of "joking around," or some kind of odd playful chiding. I went to high school with her and we never really associated with one another, though I always had the distinct feeling that she didn't like me. Or thought I was somehow really dumb or superficial- not caring about anything but stupid crap. All of course, based on her assumptions about me because I happened to be a boy crazy cheerleader. And all of these are, of course, my own assumptions about what she thought about me because she was never all too friendly or nice to me and I never really took the time to get to know her. Alas, see where assumptions get us? Absolutely nowhere.

Anyway, I digress. The insult was this:

My status at the time said: Lauren _____ is listening to glorious classical Christmas music, drinking hot chocolate and admiring the tree she and CB just decorated.

Her comment in the wee hours of the morning was:

How very stepford of you. congrats.

Upon reading this at one something this morning, I was mortified. Stepford? All I know about that word is that it is meant to be an offensive way of describing a wife. So I googled it. Urbandictonary.com told me that "stepford wife is "used to describe a servile, compliant, submissive, spineless wife who happily does her husband's bidding and serves his every whim dutifully"

or

Can also be used to describe a wife who is cookie-cutter & bland in appearance and behavior. Subscribes to a popular look and dares not deviate from that look.

I don't mean to be particular here, but neither of those is very flattering to me. The "congrats" part on the end especially made it snappy, as if I meant to sound self-involved and super proud of myself. If this had come from a close friend, I probably wouldn't have been so offended, but seeing as how it came from someone I hardly know I was indeed personally offended.

What does she even know about me?

Does she know my husband cooks most meals?

Does she know that I love teaching and working with kids?

Does she know that my heart aches for those affected by genocide and will vehemently oppose it and all other forms of hatred for as long as I live?

Does she know that I believe in loving people as they are?

Does she know that my husband is my best friend, not someone for whom I am completely servile and spineless?

Does she know that I desire to genuinely make a difference in this world?

Does she know that I happen to love Christmas and enjoy decorating for it every year and simply like to relish the moment?

Does she know that I have feelings?

Does she know that I have never had anything against her?

I would like to say that I took the high road in this situation and simply ignored it. But I didn't.

I wrote back something snappy and probably equally as childish. What is it about meanness that brings out the worst reactions in us, and why is it so effing hard to take the high road?

Gratitude

When I was a child, my mom taught me that one of the best ways to talk myself out of anxiety, worry or sadness was to make a gratitude list.

I am not by any means anxious, worried, or sad right now, but something about this time of year makes me want to make a gratitude list everyday. Perhaps it is because Thanksgiving is just a mere 2.5 weeks away.

Today I am thankful for having a job, and not only having a job, but having a job at a Christian school where I feel welcome and loved, where I feel like I can truly teach the kids and have them receive something, where Christianity isn't something that is preached at you or legalistic, but loving and embracing and kind. I am grateful that I get to go to work everyday, even on Mondays, even though I hate Mondays.

Oops, I fell off the face of the earth

So, last I posted was, umm, Sept 29. And you will notice the above date says it is, um, Oct. 14.

So much for recording a positive and negative item every day, but rest assured, I have mentally noted them.

Basically planning a wedding and teaching 9 classes and coaching cheerleaders has consumed all my time. Oh, and somewhere in there, I am actually married. But it's all good.

I have nothing fabulously interesting to record right now either, except that I turn 25 in a week and a half and that officially makes me an "Adult" and not a "young adult." In my world at least. Getting a real job didn't. Getting married didn't. Living in a house didn't. But geez- TWENTY-FIVE. If I live to be a hundred then a quarter of my life has passed me by already.

What a sobering thought. I can't get any of those years back. Granted, some I would not like to have. The Past can keep them, but there are many days and years which I would like to live again- just to relive the good moments, good times, important moments, life-changing moments.

For instance:

In the nearer Past, I would like to relive the day CB asked me to marry him. What a glorious day that flew by and now all I have left to cherish is my memory of it. And a ring. And a marriage. But whatever, it would be nice to have the day to do again too. Just for fun. You spend your whole life anticipating this one moment, and then it's gone. Forever.

I would like to relive driving around town one winter day in high school when the roads were slightly icy. I was with my cheerleading friends and we were going to the library to work on a research paper. We sang loudly and badly in my 1986 Mercedes 190E which had a trunk you had to sit on to unlock it and a cooling fan you had to unplug when it was parked and not running lest you run the battery down.

I would like to relive getting accepted to college.

I would like to relive my freshman year of college with my fabulous roommate SB, who has become my friend for life. And yes, whore, I would even like to relive taking you to the hospital when you had mono. Though I am confident you would not relive that year like I would.

I would like to relive cheering with my high school cheerleading squad in competitions and being so phenomenally good at stunting with my stunt group. We were amazing. Not even lying.

I would like to relive senior year of college. Over and over. I mean, the first part was a bit rough, what with a messy breakup and all. But the months that followed? Heavenly. It was a lot of work, but man, I loved school. I loved hanging out with my friends. I loved being an RA. I started to date CB. I got a real job in January, months before I graduated.

I would NOT like to relive, however, the summer after graduation. I cried. All the time. I mourned my college career. I mourned being in the same city with CB. I worried. I felt lonely. I was a mess.

But these past two, now two and half years? Have been excellent overall, if I do say so myself. Not that there hasn't been "bad" because there has. But I have learned a lot.

There were moments in that summer after I graduated from college that I thought to myself, "Eff. The best years of my life are over now."

And moments after CB and I got married that I thought, "Eff. Now what do I have to look forward to? (besides the actual wedding) All the big stuff is over now."

But, life keeps surprising me, and I keep trying to be hopeful that there are many more exciting moments to come. After all, the pinnacle of life can't be in the first 25 years can it? I sure hope not. How depressing.

Brief middle of the week words

Yesterday's good thing: ?....?....? I mean, it's not that everything was bad... it is just that I can't think of any good.

Today's good thing: I finished my lesson plans for next week... EARLY! They are due by end of tomorrow and I finished them today!!

My issue is this lately:

I leave school every day, good or bad day, and reminisce on what it was like to teach older kids and how much I miss older kids. And then I end up asking myself: Why am I teaching young kids? What on earth is my purpose here? Do I need to be teaching this young of age group? I must be here for a reason... but what is it?

And so far my answers have come up something like this: ....uhh.... ?????

So right now? I am praying for the answer to WHY on earth I am teaching 3rd-5th graders when I feel so clearly cut out for middle school/high school.

Meanwhile, I like driving my car fast. And CB and I finally caught up on housework. We scrubbed our house and our cars clean this weekend. It was heavenly. I did no schoolwork but I live in a mighty clean house lately.

The Sunshine after the Rainz.

Well, I must say thank you to those who sent me encouraging emails, made encouraging comments on my facebook and left encouraging comments here. I woke up feeling more like I could face the world/the parent and didn't dread driving to school.

Which brings me to today's good thing/bad thing.

Good thing:

Not related to the school I teach at now, but instead related to my old school...

I logged onto facebook this afternoon. One of my former students (as I allow them to friend me since I no longer work at their school, AND they are strictly on limited view for me) had this status message:

Suzy Good Student: misses Ms. C sooooooooooooooooo much.

With these comments below:

Darling Child: ugh me too!!!

Darling Child 2: so bad!!!!!!!!!!!

So, while not related to my day to day job right now... it is safe to say that this brightened my whole week.

Good thing related to the school I teach at now:

I have a phenomenal boss and head of school who both have been tremendously supportive of me in this minor ordeal of meeting with this parent. Both have lifted me up and encouraged me and let me know that this kind of thing is really actually a regular thing with this parent. And the head of school said he is going to sit in on the meeting with the parent tomorrow, not because I can't handle it, but because she is the type of woman who can get... you know... mean.

I also work at an incredible school where we are allowed to pray openly for one another and I had an entire faculty of elementary, middle and high school teachers pray for me this morning as they knew I was having a bad week and a hard time with a parent. It made my eyes quite teary.

Bad thing/thing to work on: I need to shower. And my effing eye hurts... again.... And I REALLY need to write lesson plans because they are late. But, simultaneously, another good thing because my boss told me not to stress about that right now and not to be hard on myself and that it will get done when I have the right amount of time to do it, and in the mean time she knows I am doing a good job and preparing for my classes.

Anyway, thank all of you for you support and encouragement in all the different forms you gave it in. It really really lifts my heart and soul. And I was reminded today that compliments are great and so very uplifting, but when we become too dependent on them to validate us, it then becomes way too easy to bring us down with one negative comment/parent. Which is a nice reminder to have.... though not a pleasant one.

Today certainly was an improvement. Thank you.

Delayed posting

Hi. I've been missing NOT because I was forgetting to write, but because every time I tried Blogger told me that my password was incorrect. And I assure you, it was NOT incorrect at all.

Anyway, I owe something like 3 days worth of good things/bad things... and let me tell you, bad things are a-stacking up on me right now.

So here we go:

Monday, 9/21:

Good thing: I did not snap at anyone out of frustration and I did not cry in morning faculty devotion (not that I usually do... it is just that this particular day I felt like crying and I think it is good that I held it in during that particular time)

Bad thing/need to improve: How on earth do I get the 4th graders to understand that I'm not trying to ruin their life? I just want them to know what they need to know so that we can move onto new, fun things.

Tuesday, 9/22:

Good thing: A girl I teach randomly surprised me first thing in the morning with a small Hershey's bar. And I got some good hugs from my students and from cheerleaders. And I didn't have to teach my fourth grade class that I seem to be miscommunicating with.

Bad thing/thing to improve: I need to make my lesson plans online FAR more consistent. Because I never know how fast or slow my class is going to move, I end up not assigning things and then assigning new things and basically it doesn't really match up with what it says online- which the parents check... of course.

Today, Wednesday, 9/23:

Good thing:

I got to hang out with my friend in the upper school for an hour when I had a break today. You know. To vent. The fifth graders seemed to understand what I was talking about today. The third graders did well for the most part on their very first vocabulary quiz!

Bad thing/thing to improve:

I got an email from a mom whose daughter I coach in cheerleading and whose son I teach Latin. She wanted to arrange a meeting with me, which of course I went ahead and set up. When I asked what the meeting was going to be about, she informed me that her kids were originally so enthusiastic about me but that enthusiasm has waned as they have heard me make "negative comments" about their previous coaching/teaching. And that young boy is particularly down about Latin because I had said something to the effect of: you all never work hard in Latin and that is going to change. And she went on to say that a perception is being created about me and that perception is fact in the mind of those who hold it. Ouch. Granted, she also said she thought they might be misunderstanding me and so they should listen more closely, etc.

Still though, I was flabbergasted. And hurt. And feel exactly like it looks outside: grey, cold and rainy. And my first instinct is to defend myself and my actions. I would never intentionally be negative about their prior coaching or teaching, and if I had said anything it would be that their previous teacher did the very best she could and we are going to work to get them where they need to be. And I LOOOOVE the girls' previous cheer coach. She is the best friend I have at that school. Anyway, so the meeting isn't until Friday but I don't know if I can wait that long to address this. I called the mom and left a voicemail saying that I would really like a chance to just briefly speak with her and hear more about the situation. I spoke with my mentor and friend in my old city about it and she said to not defend myself no matter how badly I want to... just to listen to what the woman has to say and say, "Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. That is not at all what I intended to get across and I will do my best to monitor my words better than I have in these first 3 weeks of school. Thank you." Because really... it doesn't do me any good to explain myself or defend my own actions.

Nevertheless... it sucks. And it hurts. And I am just sitting on the verge of tears perpetually this evening. And how lame is it that ONE person, ONE parent, out of 149 sets of parents, can ruin my whole day? How infuriating is it that one person's actions out of the several who are telling me that I am doing a good job, can make me feel like the worst teacher on the planet? How stupid is it that right before I received that email on my BlackBerry, I had just been told by another parent- face to face- that her daughter says Latin is her favorite subject every day. That her daughter loves it, and that as soon as I received and read that email, I immediately forgot those kind, encouraging words. I know there are many who could just let it slide off their back and not think twice. I am not one of those people. I have accepted this fact about myself. But geez I long for a day when I can open my email and not have a heart attack when I see emails from parents.