You know you are a part of someone's family when:

They take a family portrait, which includes you and your dog, and have it made into a throw blanket for the grandmother.  

: )

Happy to be becoming a Brooks. 

On the New Year, Long Distance, and general ramblings.

Happy 2009 everyone! 2 days too late! 

I have been slow with writing because CB has been here for the past week or so, and since it is rare I get to spend more than 2 days with him... I chose to spend most every minute with him rather than blogging about it. 

2009 is going to be a huge year. Something about odd years for CB and I... they contain a lot. 

In 2007, we graduated from college, he moved to DC, I moved into my own place in my city, he started medical school, I started teaching.

We started long distance that summer.

I struggled so much through that summer. Many tears, doubts and worries overcame me time and again. I couldn't bear the sadness in my heart- the lack of wholeness I felt with CB gone in another state, seemingly living a completely different life.  CB was undescribably patient through the whole thing. Through my crazy phone calls. Through the excessive crying. All the while telling me that it was okay to be missy, and that he and I weren't drifting apart, etc.

And then Fall came and I started teaching. The tears, doubts and worries didn't immediately rush away, but gradually I worked them out of my system, because really, who wants to live their life like that?

2008 was important for many reasons, namely CB and I getting engaged towards the end, but overall- life went on as it had for the majority of 2007. CB med schooling. Me teaching. Me living life in Dallas, and getting quite used to it, and CB living life in DC. 

2009  is a little more significant- like 2007. Odd numbers.

CB and I will move to the same city for the first time in 2 years. I will leave my teaching job and find one in this new place (to be announced later this month). CB will still be in medical school, but entering a new, entirely different phase of it. This phase is called 'clerkships.' He will rotate through 8 specialities over the course of the year, most likely beginning with general surgury, and he will switch hospital locations a time or two... meaning small spurts of long distance, but nothing compared to two long years. 

He and I will get married at the very end of 2009. 

And it seems that 2009 is beginning with tears, doubts and worries just as the summer of 2007 contained. 

While CB was here I had a bit of a mini-breakdown. This time, all the upset being over the complete opposite (and some not so opposite) of that in 2007. 

What if I am too used to living on my own? What if I can't stand living with someone else? I am too used to the long distance- I don't miss him or long for him like I always have?! Where are the lovey feelings which used to consume my heart 100% of the time?! He is continually giving of himself- helpful, kind, patient- and I all could seem to muster was lukewarm appreciation. What if I didn't love him the same anymore?! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH MY HEART?! WHERE DID IT GO?!

Horrifying. Because I have always always felt so incredibly in love with him. Always. Because I have most all of the time felt those lovey feelings in my heart.  Because I have always missed him- from the depths of my heart missed him- when we are apart. Because I always wanted to be giving of myself in return- helpful, kind, patient, loving, appreciative.  

All these new feelings of fear jumped on me while we were driving back from the ranch yesterday and I broke down into tears and told him. He was very saddened by my words, which made me cry even more. 

We talked for a long time in the parking lot of a VFW meeting place in the middle of country, Texas. Only 5 months left of long distance. 5 months in comparison to the year and half we have come.  I know in my head that I love him, I know I want to be with him forever. Whatever happens, however we have to adjust to being in the same city, we will do it. And that perhaps I have made myself so busy so I wouldn't let myself feel the longing. In doing so, I have handicapped myself. 

It is okay to long. It is okay to miss. It is okay to feel sadness because I don't want this other person to be far away. 

I took on a lot this academic year. Lots of tutoring, lots of classes, lots of grading, lots of things to occupy nearly every minute of my days. I did it so I wouldn't feel sad and missy. I am wishing right now that I had left myself some time every day to miss CB. 

When we talked, he was encouraging to me. Reminding me that you don't always feel 100% lovey all the time in your heart when you are with someone forever. That you have to know in your head that you love a person and commit to that love, and the lovey feelings and warmness will return in time.  And he told me that he wasn't worried about me not loving him or forever being lukewarm- he knew that I would return to my normal self. I think that last part made me feel the most better. Confidence that I will return. 

And really, I love CB. So so so very much. I just got scared for a second. 

So yeah. There's all that. Odd years are scary. And we have 2011 to look forward to...

2011: Graduating medical school, beginning residency, and moving: round 2. Neat.

In more positive news:

I am feeling MUCH better today, even though CB returned to DC. I do miss him a lot. I am ready for this distance crap to be over. 

A teacher friend of mine was contacted by some important-ish guy in the city which I will most likely be relocating to this summer (remaining undisclosed until confirmation). He needs a Latin teacher. She told him she has a very likely prospect for him and that I will contact him soon. EEEEE! JOB!

The reception site is coming closer and closer to fruition. If I would just email the effing lady the proposed menu so she could give and estimate, we could pay a down payment and sign the contract. Oh, and for those who are wondering: Tower Club is the winner. 

School starts back on Monday- UGGGH. I haven't graded finals either. Guess what I will be doing today? : )

My Awesome Time at the Gym

Today was possibly one of the most embarassing days of my life.

Backstory:

My dad gave me 5 personal training sessions at my gym for my birthday.

I have a heart problem.

That's all you need to know to keep up with my story.

So today CB and I went to my gym. I had a 4pm appointment with my trainer- my first real session where she was going to make me workout and do stuff.

We got there early so I could do my warm-up: 5 minutes of walking on the treadmill, rolling out my muscles on this foam roll thing, and some stretches. She and I chatted it up about how excited I was, how I could follow instructions well, etc.

My first exercise was this floor bridge thing. It reminds me a tad bit of yoga. I had to lift my hips and  squeeze my gluts and abs and hold for 1 second, then lower for 4 sec., hold for 2 sec. and then back up tight. For 2.5 minutes.  Not too bad. Made my butt burn like you wouldn't believe. I highly recommend it.

Then we went straight into what I call the plank, fraternities would call 'bows and toes,' and what the trainer called 'isotropic abs' or something like that. Basically I had to hold myself up for 10 seconds on my elbows and toes- squeezing every muscle. I did that 15 times. It made me shake.

Then we balanced. I did these things I can't explain in words really without demonstrating. 

At some point, I am not sure if it was here, or before that last one, I was feeling a little light headed and exhausted. I asked to go get some water and of course she said yes. 

I came back, and then we did what she was called 'reactive' exercises. I call them cheerleading lunges. I had to lunge with one leg, and at the same time stretch the arm opposite to the knee that was lunging, to the knee while holding a 4 lb ball. Effective.

Actually, I am now pretty sure that in between legs was the light headedness and water break.

So yea, I finally finished those. I was exhausted. I sat down and was trying to catch my breath while she set up my next task. Meanwhile the fitness manager came and introduced himself to me and we were chatting while I was sitting. He said I probably shouldn't be sitting while I was feeling exhausted and had me stand. 

I stand.

I suddenly start to feel queasy and a bit like I am about to pass out. Fitness manager and trainer rush me over to the wall and tell me to lean against it. 

Not working people- let me sit or lay down so my blood can return to my heart and brain please!!!

The entire room became fuzzy in my eyeballs.

Finally we compromise with me leaning against the wall with my hands on my knees. Fitness manager orders people to get me a large water, a wet towel and a bag of ice. 

After a minute or two I can see straight. Fitness manager has asked me several questions about what grade I teach, when my break is over, etc.

Then he finally lets me sit down, after he asks for my fiance's name and goes off in search of him in the gym.

It was explained to me that all the color drained from my face and that I was all clammy in my hands and sweat was running down me. 

I sit and laugh because OMG I am sooooo embarassed. I'm that girl. That wuss girl in the gym who can't hack a simple workout. EVERYONE, and that is not an exaggeration this time, is looking at me.

And the poooor trainer lady. She felt horrible and was so freaked out. She thought she had planned a light, easy workout for me. I feel horrible for scaring her. She probably hates me now. 

She already knew I have a heart condition, but I explained a little bit further how it works. My heart has to pump 3 times to circulate the same amount of blood 1 pump in a healthy heart would do. I told her that I was so sorry, and I even thought I could do more than that, and perhaps that I needed to go a bit slower. That the exercises themselves were fine, but that I needed to take more time to do them and more time in between each one.

She is terrified now. I am the talk of the local 24 hr. Fitness.

FM finally found CB and he rushed over to see me. He checked my heart rate in my neck, wrists, and ankles. Then he just sat with me while everyone talked to me. 

I was even approached by a stranger, who walked up and said, "I don't mean to butt in, but I am a doctor over at Parkland and I just wanted to make sure you are okay."

I said yes. Because I am okay. I just have a ... slow heart? 

The FM suggested I bring a powerade to keep up my blood sugar. Which is kind of interesting... and this is where it gets funny about personal trainers. Because they are so well-meaning, and they know ALL the exercises, but they only know tidbits of real medicine. It wasn't my blood sugar that was down... it was the lack of oxygen in my brain.  2-ish hours before I had had a good healthy, sizable lunch, I wasn't hungry, nor was I too full. 

And CB, still in medical school himself, even thought that standing was really not what I needed to be doing. Sitting or laying actually allows for more profusion of blood back to the heart and brain- standing makes it harder. That is a near direct quote from a cardiologist that teaches CB. But that is okay, the trainers were doing the best they could, what they know. 

But just fyi: if your brain isn't getting oxygen- standing isn't going to make the blood get there faster. 

So, that was AWESOME. But I did get a free 24 hour fitness towel. Cool.

*As a disclaimer: I in NO WAY whatsoever blame the 24 hour fitness personal training staff for what happened to me today. I have a bum heart. I always have. It used to work a tad better, but that's okay. I just need to take it slow.  

At last a break....

From all the teachings...

Last Friday marked the beginning of a glorious 2 weeks off. I gave exams to 73 students, gathered all my wonderful teacher prizes (I got a Coach keychain!!! numerous candies, cookies, chocolates, breads, etc, a Jonas Brothers CD- how I love 8th grade girls, candles, Christmas ornaments... ahh glorious stuff to crowd my kitchen and dining room table), and went home.

Since then... my apartment has exploded with clothing. I spent Friday afternoon at the movies and then that night I hung out with my most favorite teacher friend PR. She is more than twice my age, and she is my former professor, but I owe my job and where I'm at in life to her. So we hung out for a long time, and then we were joined by other teacher pals. Good times with the Latin teachers. 

Saturday was cool. I got a pedicure and manicure and that night went to the Nutcracker ballet with my mom, brother and his gf. I have NEVER seen a ballet before, so I was super excited. We had aaaammmmmaaaazing seats in a box. Box A, just to the left of the stage. 

I am going to try to embed pictures, but they never go where I want them to. So, we will see

Self-Portrait

Brother's gf and I

My toga dress. Thanks for making me buy it last February whore.

 Our view of the stage

Mom and I.  She usually smiles bigger than that. 

When I got home,  I proceeded to stay up till 3am changing out picture frames with CB and I's engagement pictures. Here is a random sampling- there are hundreds- I will choose 3 or 5. 

I spent Sunday doing a lot of last minute Christmas shopping. I am done with everyone except a whore in Florida, a hook in Paris, and PR.  Sunday night was CHRISTMAS with Dad. This year my dad has opted out of regular Christmas, as he is very stressed out with his job, etc. So he is going golfing in California instead. Thus, brother and I had Christmas together with him last night. He got me an Ipod touch. I was so so sososososososo excited. I LOVE the ipod touch. 

Today, I had planned on cleaning my apt because it is such a disaster. Instead I went out and finished one last Christmas shopping detail. Then I found out that Neiman Marcus REALLY doesn't sell their amazing gingerbread cookies anymore. WTF? Those were the best gingerbread cookies ever... remember CD? When we went on our search? I had to do it alone this yer, and I was unfruitful. : (

After grocery shopping with the masses... I came home and watched NCIS, passed out for an hour, then finished wrapping prizes. 

And that is how I have spent the past 3 days of being off. 

Nevermind the 4 inch stack of exams on my desk. And the bag full of papers from the semester to grade.

I might not elope after all

Things resolved today:

My dad AND mom will walk me down the aisle on Dec. 19, 2009.

I know it sounds unusual... but anything to appease my mom.

I will have a father-daughter dance.

And then I will have a step-father daughter dance.

And my dad is perfectly okay with all of this.

And (for now) so is my mom.

My dad has been wonderful throughout this whole thing- reiterating that it is my wedding and therefore whatever I want or need to do, he is okay with it.

Annnnd....

(drumroll please)

I have a very very likely (dad says 100% if if I want it) reception venue.

The Tower Club. 48th floor of Thanksgiving Tower in Downtown.

Bargain deal.

Beautiful view. 3 sides are floor to ceiling windows. Chandeliers. OMG OMG OMG.

Now, no contract has been signed yet, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too high- because for all I know it could come crashing down next week, but I swear if this comes together I will thank God as much as I did when He provided for me staying at my (highly expensive) university all four years. Either way, I will thank God for letting me get married to such an incredible man, and regardless of my familial issues, I will thank God for both my parents being around for my wedding. 

But seriously- I have had nightmares about what I was going to do about the reception...

The economy is horrible. Dad is in danger of losing his job at all times. If dad loses his job, a large chunk of the funding for my wedding would disappear. In turn, this would cause a huge uproar between me and my mom. Mom would insist that if dad doesn't pay, he can't participate in the wedding, etc (I know this sounds wretched, and it really sucks, but you kind of have to know the extensive and nasty background of my family and parents and thier divorce/life after divorce). I was starting to think that I might not have a reception at all.  

Anyways, so I am so so thankful that God has, in part thus far, answered my prayers. Dad could still lose his job, but if we lock into this contract soon, it will be a done deal hopefully. I am just not getting too attached to the idea in case it all falls apart. So you should pray too, that God provides and holds my family- both sides- together. Not just for my wedding, but just in general. And perhaps, as long as you're praying, pray that mom learns to let go of that past. 

Other things I have been considering:

Since my wedding and reception will be in the afternoon, and end relatively early (around 6:15ish pm), CB and I are considering having an after party at some cool bar/dance place/restaurant that has bar and dancing in the city... CB and I leave reception- people throw crap at us... we get into limo and arrive at hotel... go upstairs... change... do married stuff... then go to party, where we aren't paying for the drinks. And everyone dances and has a raging good time. We leave party and return to hotel. Sleep. Leave for honeymoon ASAP in the morning. Good idea, no? 

Update

engagement pictures coming soon. when i feel like uploading some here.

Organized?

In the past week, I have been told on three or four separate occasions that I am organized.

Those of you who know me are probably choking on your spit right now.

Yea. Me. Organized.

First it was the photographer I was meeting with, whom I am hiring. As I was sitting there chatting with him about my wedding and how I envision it and where things are/what I want to do, SANS pen and paper to take notes on him and his style, he says to me, "You are so organized!"

What, sir? I am meeting with a potential photographer and I couldn't even bring a pen to write anything down? I didn't bring anything. Just my purse.

Nonetheless, I am 'organized.' I must say that it felt really good for someone to say that to me. He even went onto explain that even without pen and paper it was very apparent that I am organized with my wedding planning.

Then I went down to Corsicana the day after Thanksgiving to see CB (yaaaaaaaaaaaay!) and his family. His mom told me not once, but twice, that I am organized. The first time was concerning- surprise surprise-wedding planning. I showed her my book with dividers and what not, which I can't take credit for because my brother's girlfriend gave it to me, AND I have been given another planning book by a friend AND a notebook to cut and paste ideas in by another friend. So basically, I was set up to be organized. I can't help it.

The second time was during Monopoly. No lie. I never knew that separating your monies out and placing them slightly under the board so you can see all the you have was considered organized. Yes, my friends, I too have joined the 'organized' category.

Finally, another teacher called me organized (biggest shocker of them all). I made complete sets of instructions for my substitutes (get to that in a minute), complete with copies made of each assignment to be handed out, a class roster, and all placed in a nicely labeled manilla folder. And I did it 5 days in advance (-ish).

I am proud to say that I can also be organized. Apparently. When I want to.

In other news....

Thanksgiving was good. Seeing CB and his family was even better. I got to be in the family picture. It was good times.

I have to go to the girlie doctor tomorrow- known to my dear whore friend as the 'vag' doctor. I am dreading it. Thus the need for substitute # 1.

On Thursday night, I will be embarking on a spectacular trip to Florida, also known as 'Whore Weekend." My bff SB (WHORE) lives there and we will have a magnificent time going to a Jason Mraz concert, driving all over the peninsula (Latin derivative: 'paene'= almost, 'insula'= island).
Thus the need for substitutes #2, 3, 4, and 5 (once for each class on Friday... I know. Complicated. Good thing I am organized.)

Look forward to many pictures and random crap. My favorite.


Oh, and about that vote:

Options 2 and 3 have been negated due to cost prohibition. Tower Club a distant possibility. Feel free to comment or email me suggestions. Thanks.