And then things were looking up!

I am done. With my job. I moved out of my classroom. Entered all my grades. Monday I return my keys.  I am jobless. But I am not all that worried about it currently. 

There is time. I am a teacher, and sometimes jobs don't come up until right before school starts. And if one doesn't? I am going to be a tutoring MACHINE. Which is actually fairly lucrative. 

There is air conditioning in my car. And in my apartment. 

I started packing my apartment- granted- it's only 6 boxes right now, and an entire apartment to go... but hey, it's a start. 

My BFF and Maid of Honor (MOH), CD, and I chatted a few days ago. She is moving back to the states from Paris in JULY! YAAY! And we had good chats about my wedding. And life. And boys.

Today I hired a 'day of' wedding coordinator. Cool.

Mostly I am excited that 2 years and 5 days ago, CB and I had a conversation about long distance while we were driving back from Galveston, after having viewed the Battleship Texas. It went something like this:

me: So, uh, if we are going to do this... if we are going to be long distance... we have got to have some kind of plan. There has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel, because, well, I've done this before and it sucks. It needs to have a definite plan for an end.

CB: Well, I guess I always kind of assumed that, uh, well... Medical school is funny, because the first 2 years are strictly academic, in the classroom, and the last 2 are clinical clerkships in hospitals, and we can go almost anywhere for those. Well, I guess I figured that once 2nd year was over you would come with me wherever I go for 3rd year. 

me: Well. You know I am not leaving my entire life behind- my family, a good job, and my friends- unless I have a very pretty ring on my finger. I just can't do it. 

CB: Yea, I know that. Of course. That's fine. 

me: Okay. So I guess that's it then. 2 years long distance and then no more. 

CB: Yea.

me: UGH 2 years is a long time. What if we don't make it? What if we are horrible at this?... (a plethora of other worries)

CB: It will be fine. We will be fine. We will work super hard and communicate well and we will see each other as often as possible and it will work.

(2 YEAAAARS AND 22 DAYS LATER)(AKA: 17 days from now)

Moving into our house in San Antonio. : )

ANNNND, CB not only passed pathology... his grade RAISED because he did so well on the final shelf exam. Yea. That's right. He is awesome.

LASTLY,

this really difficult Latin exam I have been stressing about. I did a the first 2 sections of a practice test last night, and I only missed 5. And they were all centered on the same concept- which means if I can really get that concept down, I will be awesome.

And I mastered this process called "scansion,"  which in Latin means reading a line of poetry (in Latin) and figuring out the proper pronunciation of the line via long syllables and short syllables. It involves dactyls and spondees and funny markings. That may mean nothing to you, but I have been so freaking excited about it since last night. I can't get over it. I want to scan excessive lines of Latin poetry and get everything right because it feels so good. 

For the next 2.5 weeks:

Excessive packing

Reading Latin/practicing Latin/scansion!/taking practice tests

Working out, because I need it, badly

The End. 

What I have been doing lately

I have been sweating. A lot. Broken AC in the car... broken AC in my apartment for one night. I have been uncomfortable for days. I have felt unhappy due to my discomfort, which made me feel bad, because really? I have a lot to be grateful for. 

I have been contemplating my impending 'broke-ness.' Once the AC repair in my car is paid for, and my move is paid for, I will have approximately 0 dollars. I trust it will all work out, but I hate not contributing. CB has the monies to pay the rent, bills, etc. BUT I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE. Must get on advertising myself as a tutor in SA... asap. Nevermind just finding a job ASAP. 

I have been feeling tight in my chest about having to pack this ENTIRE apartment... and having to study a crapload of Latin for a test I have to take in apprx. 3 weeks. EEEEEK.

I have been feeling sad that I am not more excited about getting married in apprx 2-ish weeks, because I have been so distracted and distraught by the above 3 points. 

CB and I sympathized with one another last night. I told him on the phone, "I just don't feel happy right now. About anything... because all I can think about is how effing hot and uncomfortable I am ALL THE TIME, and how I am going to have no monies, and how I have so much crap to do in the next month." 

His response was very kind laughter and, "I don't feel happy right now either. We only have 5 weeks to study for this test (STEP 1 of the USMLE test (United States Medical Licensing Exam)... there are 3 steps... step 1 is an 8 hour test covering the entire first 2 years of med school- think MCAT, but way worse), whereas other schools get 2 whole months to study for it. There is no feasible way to cover everything. But think of it this way: the next month or so is going to suck for the both of us, but then, after that first week, everything will smooth out and get better (both our tests will be over, we will be moved into our house, we will be married, and hopefully, we will have air conditioning all around). We will be happy like hippos."

CB always says it so well. 

My timeline:

ALL school related work (grades, cleaning out classroom, prepping classroom for summer) done by: June 5

PACKING AND LATIN STUDYING EXTRAVAGANZA: June 6-June 21

MOVING DAY: June 22

GET MARRIED LEGALLY DAY: June 23

STUDYING HARDCORE EXTRAVAGANZA: June 24-27

Latin EXCET: June 27

Unpacking and relaxing: June 28 and beyond

Nostalgia and a love story

Being a history major and what not, I have always LOVED looking back at the past. My past. Your past. Any past really. I think it is important for understanding the present. 

In the midst of the school year, under stress and what not, I tend to focus explicitly on the present. I don't think about my ever so awesome college days (have I mentioned that those years were possibly some of the best of my life?... I am quite sure this will remain true until I die). I don't think much about my high school days. Actually, that is kind of a lie. I think about my high school days when trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with kids these days and OMG did I ever act like that/do that/think that/say that? The answer is probably yes... but still. I am older and slightly wiser now. I hope. 

Today, when moving around some stuff in my apartment to make room for my NEW bedroom furniture, courtesy of my mother as her wedding gift to CB and I (way early, yea, but we had to get it now or it would be gone in 6 months!), I stumbled across a box of notes, cards and letters ranging from high school to sophomore year of college. There were notes from friends, notes from old boyfriends, a journal I kept from 1999-2000 (HAAAA) and some serious love letters from an old college boyfriend. I read the letters, not because I miss this person or have any remnant feelings for him, but because I was interested to remember what this person had to say to me. 9 pages. 9 pages of why I should not be dating someone else (I was at the time). Of why he loved me. The letter was beautifully written, and were I not completely and totally in love with my husband to be, I would be completely, without a doubt moved to tears by this letter (I wasn't however, because I am completely and totally in love with my husband-to-be). This person wrote in the most eloquent fashion things every girl longs to hear about herself. Things every girl longs to have said to her in the first place.

This pushed my mind further into nostalgia to remember what went wrong, and why such a beautifully written, heartfelt, heart-wrenching letter could not change it. And why CB and I seem so suitably matched with one another, though he has never written me such an eloquent letter in his life, nor described me in such an eloquent, beautiful way. 

The answer is this: Things went wrong with the exquisite writer not because he is a bad person, or because he was bad to me... they went wrong because we probably should not have been together in the first place. He was/is brilliant, motivated, cute in his own way... but I never had feelings for him the way I did for CB the minute I found out he liked me. When I found out this person liked me... I was curious, but not excited. I was interested, but not dying for him to ask me out. Our first date was awkward and I was wishy-washy for months. We were on again, off again, and it wasn't until he blew me off that I became really interested. It sucks really. Because we both had to go through a lot of pain in the end because I forced something I wasn't even sure about.  He was such a beautiful writer and I am honored he wrote such things to me, though it was never meant to be.

CB? CB writes notes to me in crayon. He purposely, and sometimes not so purposely, mispells words and we use silly words to talk to each other. CB draws me picture books with hippos, because (don't ask) we have somehow managed to make this our nickname for each other.  CB sends me fake 'bills' in the mail, billing me 10,000 kisses, just so I will have something other than junk mail to open and I will have something to make me smile. CB has never written me a letter telling me that I am the most honest person he has ever known, and that I make him smile more than anyone ever has. Nor has he told me that I make his heart burn with love for me. When he proposed, he never said that he has never known someone more beautiful, more passionate, more caring, etc. etc. He simply said, "You are my love and my companion." 

CB has never written me eloquent love letters, but CB and I are more suited to one another than anyone I have ever known. CB and I happened upon each other. Finding out that CB liked me/was going to ask me out was a complete and utter surprise. When I was informed of this, I was giddy. CB? Really??! I asked. CB was hootttt. CB was so smart. CB was responsible. CB could have intelligent conversations with me. CB was fun. CB was a good, kind person. CB was the perfect guy- and I had told this to a friend of mine when I was trying to hook HER up with him the year before (CB and I were friends for some time before any of this). Not that the eloquent writer wasn't any of these things, but something was just... missing. 

I eagerly waited for CB to ask me out. We went on a non-date date and my heart was jumpy. We stayed up till 3 am several nights in a row talking about anything and everything- school, faith and God, our pasts, the future, our goals, etc.- and awkwardly shifting because OMG is he going to kiss me EVER? When he did finally kiss me I was all jittery. We spent 7th months finishing college together. Seeing each other daily. Waiting for each other to finish classes. Hanging out in each other's dorm rooms. Eating dinner in the cafeteria together. Walking each other to class. Driving around our city on beautiful days. He was my instant best friend and companion. 

One day we left the cafeteria at lunch, grabbing our usual fortune cookies from the massive basket. He opened his but there was no fortune. I opened mine, and finished eating the cookie and threw away the wrapper before I would read it (I am superstitious in that way... it won't come true otherwise : ) ). I stood there with my fortune reading, "The love of your life is right in front of your eyes." CB asked me what my fortune was; I looked up and it was him. 

I don't need eloquently written love letters. I don't need to be described in a way that girls only dream of. Crayon love notes and hippo books will do me just fine for the rest of my life, because eloquent letters aren't needed when the love and admiration and respect is understood between you with a smile, or a look, or a silly lovey comment, or just holding hands and taking a walk. 

The sun after the rain

Annnd today the school I've been trying to get to contact me called and wanted to set up a phone interview for this Thursday. 

This time I know better than to count my chickens before they hatch... but it is a comforting development at least. 

Thank you to everyone who commented, called, or didn't say anything at all and just prayed.  I deeply appreciate the support and love. CB and I are trying to maintain a positive attitude about everything, and at the end of it all, what needs to happen will happen. The end.

My school had a small 'going away' thing for myself and the other teacher leaving today. I say thing, because it wasn't really a party, it was at the end of a faculty meeting, but it was a very very sweet gesture anyway. 

My Latin professor from my college, who is now my colleague (she also teaches at this high school- the AP class), said some really wonderful things and made me all teary and what not in front of the whole faculty. They prayed over me and my future- which, given all that has been happening lately, made me really teary. I feel so blessed to have had my start here.  I will miss this place, but I know it is time to move on to a new place in live- be it DC or SA. I will deal. 

For I know the plans I have for you...

You know that moment when everything seems to be going perfectly the way you planned it? Everything seems to be falling into place as it should, and it almost seems to good to be true? 

That is where I was yesterday.

And then today came.

Yesterday CB and I had paid a deposit on the most perfect little house in SA.

Yesterday CB and I were moving to SA on June 22. 

Yesterday CB was fairly confident he was moving on to third year of medical school this July.

Yesterday I was thinking that it was all too good to be true.

Today we found out that the perfect little house that we had paid a deposit on was actually leased on Friday.

Today CB found out that if he did not pass his pathology final he will have to repeat 2nd year of medical school.

Today we aren't 100% sure if it will be SA we will be moving to, or if I will move to DC. 

And today, I still don't know where I will be working next year, or even if I will be able to find a job.

Medical school has been a concern for CB and I for awhile. We knew that his pharmacology class didn't go well- that he most likely made a D.  He was literally ONE question from a C.  He has been passing pathology leading up to the exam, but it is borderline. If he failed the final exam- a shelf exam (meaning it is standardized by the American Board of Medical Examiners)- he would get a D in pathology. He thinks he did okay, but we should all say a lot of prayers anyway. 

CB is brilliant, though these grades do not seem to reflect that. It sucks, and it is a blow to his pride, because he is not dumb. CB is a very hands on learner, and these classes are not hands on classes. These are memorize hundreds upon hundreds of pharmaceuticals and be able to recall the exact protein in the body they work with and what they do to it. Imagine spending 12-14 hours a day studying, staying at the library until 4:30 am for nights in row studying, and still not producing a passing test. 

CB is the exact kind of person one wants for a doctor. He has the bedside manner most doctors are missing. He can perform clinical skills like one wouldn't believe. This stuff is information that EVEN THE PROFESSORS admit that, if they even need to know it, they look up. This process, these classes, this torture, is a kind of initiation, and it could be done in a better way, a way in which the students actually learn information instead of cramming it. My heart aches for CB. I can't even describe with words how much I ache for CB. He is not dumb. He is very smart and very cabable and he deserves to be a doctor. 

Now we don't even know what is going to happen. Best case? He passes pathology and moves onto 3rd year. 2nd to worst case? He repeats 2nd year. He only has to repeat all core courses, which is only 6 classes (trust me- a LOT less than what he had this year). Worst case, God forbid? Disenrollment. 

Even if best case occurs, we don't have a house to live in. I don't have a job, and the one job I even have to look into hasn't contacted me back though I have emailed, sent snail mail and called. 

This is that point in life that people talk about.  The point where you thought you had it all figured out, thought you had a plan... and then you didn't anymore. 

All I can do is pray. A lot. Pray that God shows the clear path for what we're supposed to do now. Pray that CB passes pathology. Pray that God takes care of us. Pray that we can be graceful in handling this. Pray that we can get over our pride being destroyed. Thank God that He knows exactly what's going to come of this. Thank God that he says, he promises, that he knows the plans he has for me/us. That he has plans to prosper us, not to harm us. And that is all I have to lean on. Thank you God, for Jeremiah 29:11. 

Perhaps you could pray too? That everything comes together as it should. That we continue to support each other and stand by each other.  That CB passes pathology. 

OH... and by the way...

I have had a few people go all judgey-judgerson about the fact that I am getting legally married in June. This has been communicated by faces that seem to say: "Oh, poor you. Now your ceremony in Dec. won't mean anything." or "Oh. You cheater. You just want to make it easier to live together and have sex without feeling bad."

It has also been communicated with words such as: "Oh yea, I heard that you're getting eloped (wtf kind of English is that?!, by the way)(AND, does it even count as eloping if all the parents know and are more than approving of it, and they are still having a big wedding for you?). So are you just going to fake getting married in front of all those people in December?"

The tone was nice, the words were not. As a matter of fact, NO, I am not planning on 'faking' getting married. I will actually be getting married, minister and all, and it will have meaning. Why? Because all the people that will be there know and love CB and I, and fully understand that the BIG deal is in Dec, and that it is equally as important as us getting married in June. And NO, we are not doing it just to make it easier to live together and have the sexes... it actually has nothing to do with this.  And who are you to say the Dec. wedding won't mean anything?! Trust me, it will, and I am so excited for it. 

So I should just say this, if you have a problem with what we are doing, that is, getting legally married in June and having our big ceremony/celebration with family and friends in December, then you should just keep your opinion to yourself. CB, myself, and our families are quite confident about what we are doing, and we are excited and joyful. There is more than one way to do things, folks. Get over it, please.

Thanks, bye : )

8 days left of teaching my students

Seriously. 8 days. That is... nothing. And then I will no longer teach for my school. It is simultaneously saddening and SO exciting. I am at wits end this time of year. I find that I become more insulting and more easily pissed off at kids, for 2 reasons really: 1. They have decided that they are just done learning, and it is such a struggle to try to get them to understand anything, and 2. I also have kind of decided that I am done and all I can think about are the things I have to look forward to this summer. Seriously. This makes for an easily distracted teacher. 

The saddening part is that I actually love most of my kids. They make me laugh, smile, scream, want to punch them all in the face, feel joy and accomplishment for them, etc. I will miss yelling at them. I will miss throwing pens at them when they are talking while I am talking. I will miss hearing about the dramas of their lives, and OMG guess who is dating whom?! (except they don't say whom...). I will miss sharing my life with them, hoping in vain that they might learn something from my experiences (most won't... most need to do it themselves to learn). I will just miss them. 

They have hired a replacement for me. Now I don't even have a job to come back to, even if I wanted to.

I thought I would be freaking out at this point. Way back, when CB first proposed and we knew for sure that I would be uprooting my life to move to be with him, I just knew that I was going to be a mess about all of this. I hate change. I always have. When I graduated from college I went on to experience the worst summer of my life. The change of moving out of a dorm and into an apartment alone. CB moving away to DC- after having spent 7 months seeing each other every day, living next door to one another... UGH. I HATED summer 2007. Since that summer had a lot of change, and so does this one... I figured I would probably hate this too. 

But I don't. 

I have no apprehensions about marrying CB. I thought I would, given my parents' wretched divorce and the fact I have never personally witnessed a successful marriage.

I could marry CB tomorrow and not think twice about it. Call me naive or what you will, but I do not care, nor would I think that maybe you had a point. You do not have a point. I am not naive. I just know that CB is it for me. The end. 

CB has no apprehensions about being married to me. He is not the 'dying to be a bachelor for his whole life and omg is this the last girl I'm going to kiss/date/.....' type. Naturally, I appreciate this.  He is extraordinarily excited about all of this.

I thought I would be absolutely depressed about leaving my city, my job, my family, and my teacher friends, and while these things certainly are sad, I am okay. My friends lives are changing. It was about time that my life change too. 

More than anything I am SO excited for these changes. I am excited to experience something new. I am not freaking out. I am ecstatic. 

Tomorrow I depart for SA. We are perusing 8 houses, eating great mexican food, and playing tourists on a popular walk with a river. 

YAY : ) 

PS: CB is done with his 2nd year of medical school tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY for the academic portion of medical school being OVER.  And, interesting/horrifying fact... If you were to calculate his 'hours', so to speak, per academic period... they are taking roughly 60 hours/week of classes. (pathology alone was 14 hours a week... shoot me in the face.)