I emailed 10 people I don't even know today

To ask them if they knew about any Latin positions, and oh by the way, here is all my info in case you have students that need tutoring. Thanks, bye. (They were all Latin teachers in the area).

Yesterday, my friend PR told me that all this was happening for a reason. That there is a reason I don't have a job yet. That there is a reason I keep hearing nothing. That there is a reason. She couldn't tell me the reason. But she said there is one, and that eventually, I will find it out.

I sure hope so, because I am really tired of almost crying every day.

I am so tired of hearing nothing

Here is how it seems to be going in my job search world:

Search websites.

Find potential job.

Drop everything and spend an hour or two filling out the application, craft a good cover letter, etc.

Submit application.

Jump through the 12 other hoops they want me to jump through, including, but not limited to:

mailing in my college transcripts

mailing in my resume

mailing in my last 2 performance reviews

taking an online 'teacher assessment' test

Commence waiting

Wait

Wait

Call to check on status of application

Told that application is 'active' and that's all they can say

Wait

Nothing. Hear nothing.

So yesterday, when CB got home, I started crying. I tried not to. I tried to explain to him that my bff Sarah and I discussed that it was about time I start looking for non-teaching jobs. That I could always wait tables because I have experience doing this. Or that I could start looking at random retail jobs, except that I would want to spend my whole paycheck there. I tried to tell him that I had two issues with those, the first issue being that I have a Bachelor's degree and that I have had a real, salaried job. I know it's a pride thing but it is really hard to imagine taking a job that a high school student could have. The second issue is this: I love teaching. What if I get a job that isn't teaching and I can never make my way back into it? What if I forget all my Latins? Turns out, I couldn't tell him all of this without tearing up. I can hardly type it without tearing up. So I cried. He held me and told me that it was going to be okay and is there anything he can do to help me look. I said not really. Then I left for my teaching certification class.

When I got home, he told me he had spent an hour looking for jobs for me. He found the same problem I do when it comes to teaching positions: there are none. But, he had found a non-teaching job that I might like and I should go look at it on his computer. So I did, and admittedly, it looks like something I could do and like and be good at. It was just posted yesterday, so I immediately filled out the 7 page online application, wrote a good cover letter and attached it with my resume.

The position is for Associate Student Activities director with the community college district here. It requires that you have a bachelor's degree and 3-4 years of experience in education, student activities or another related field. Well then, I have 2 years of experience in education and 3 years of experience as an RA and 2 summers of experience as a camp counselor. I'm hoping that works for them. Basically, in this job, I would help plan and implement educational and entertaining extracurricular activities. I would probably work with a team of people, but possibly be in charge of it. Still working with/for students, which I like. Getting to be creative and interact with people a lot, which I also like. The problem is this... colleges often have people lined up internally for these types of positions but are required to post them online anyway. I am really really hoping that isn't the case here, because I could really stand to hear good news for once. So, we will see. I am trying not to get my hopes up, and, I am still looking. Always looking.

Accepting the challenge of a stranger

So... sometimes I write about working out on here and how I have big and important goals for losing a little bit of weight and toning up. And it all starts well... I do it consistantly for a few weeks, my mother tells me I look good and that she can tell I've lost weight and toned and what not.... and then I stop. I get 'busy.' Ever since moving I have been bad at working out. Bad at having any motivation whatsoever for being active. I was moving. I was unpacking. I was adjusting to life with CB. Blah blah blah. Anyways, this is another attempt at being consistant with the working outs. A girl whose blog I read, These Little Moments, is also trying to lose 5 lbs or so. And she is soliciting blog readers to do it with her. So I accepted. If I'm going to do it, I might as well be able to read about others doing it too. We will see how this goes. I desperately want to be consistant, but then again, I really don't. I'm ambiguous. But I just need to suck it up and do it already.

I need a plan, though. And every plan I come up with, I don't really want to do because it requires me starting today.

On the first month of being legally married

Today marks 1 month of CB and I being legally married to one another. My thoughts? I love it. It's not perfect all the time. Studying medicine requires that he is gone a lot, but we work really hard to enjoy the time we have together. I am working on figuring out how to be a housewife, and constantly working on getting a teaching job. As of next week, I am going to begin the hunt for non-teaching jobs. Eeeek. What I like most about being married to CB is that we are a team. We work together constantly and make decisions together effectively without arguing or getting snappy. We both know that it isn't going to be perfect and we aren't always going to get it right but we are doing our best. He is understanding of my shortcomings as a housewife, and uber encouraging about the fact that I am not inclined to clean the house all the time. Our house, mind you, is not dirty really, it is just not where I think it should be. And yesterday? I made a complete dinner for us. A recipe out of a cookbook which I had never made before, and then I was even so bold as to make a dessert from a recipe. Both were actually very good and CB had 3 servings of the dessert. He looked at me and was like, "You're becoming a housewife. You're becoming domesticated." We both laughed a good deal at this, but I am so so so proud that I cooked. I cooked something that required cutting and sauteing and simmering. Yay me!

So being married? It does take work. But marrying a medical school student means we both get space and indepedence. I like that overall. And when we are together we enjoy it so much because we don't have unlimited time.

By the way? Still looking forward to wedding tremendously. Save the dates are going out (LATE...eeeek) hopefully this next week. Yea, that's right. I am still sending save the dates even though I'm technically married. Why? Because my wedding is still important, and I want people to save the date for it and come. Thankyouverymuch.

Another thing about being married? It requires extensive financial responsibility. CB and I looked at our monies today. We are not poor by any means. We have a roof over our heads, foods for our bellies, two very nice Mustangs, belongings which we love and are proud of, and I have a very pretty engagement ring. I really could not ask for more. The problem is the random little spending on crap. Do I really need to buy $77 worth of books every month? (Seriously, a book problem). No, probably not. Do I really need to go to Sonic before class? Not so much (my waistline agrees). It is hard when two people are sharing monies. You can't just do things like you used to. So tonight we made a budget for the month of August. We have very little extra room for spending money on anything besides food, gas, and bills. But the thing is that I am okay with that. I would rather have a home cooked meal than go out and we have discovered Red Box movies and lots of codes to get free movies. We'll be fine.

However, if I had a job, things would feel a lot better.

So being married to CB? Pretty great. I love him dearly.

The Blahs

I've come down with a mild case of the 'blahs.'

I hate waking up every day to a to-do list full of nothing but household chores and unpacking the last 10 boxes. I don't want to unpack the last 10 boxes. I have nowhere to put that stuff.

I don't want to clean the toilets... again... because I feel like I just cleaned them.

I don't want to vacuum. I don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to do laundry. I don't want to do homework for school tonight.

I just want to lay... and just... be.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy my life. I just am sick of housework. I am sick of unpacking. And I would take a long break... except that CB goes to the hospital every day for at least 12 hours. If I haven't done anything when he gets home, I feel horribly bad. Like I have failed as a wife. I don't have a job, and I don't do housework either. I am a parasite. He doesn't say these things of course, but I feel that way on the inside.

On being married to a medical student, pt 1

I say pt. 1, because I am sure there are many more parts to come.

First of all, I am still insanely excited about his step 1 score. Did I mention he scored a 200? Did I mention that that equates to like, a mid-B? Did I mention that the dean of academics contacted him and commented on what an excellent score he made? Did I mention that when he asked when he was supposed to go before the review board again, the dean said in a blase tone, "Oh, yea. They'll review this." Did I mention that scoring a 200 on the step 1 basically means that they don't have a beef with him anymore? Did I mention that I am so thankful for answered prayers? YAY CB! YAY for continuing medical school!!

Second of all, everyone who told me that I would have to get used to him being gone a lot was right. He is gone a lot. 6 days a week from 4:30am-7pm, sometimes later, and sometimes gone all night at the hospital. On nights that I have class from 6-9pm, our schedule goes something like this: CB leaves at 4:30am and kisses me goodbye. I wake up at 8:30am and do whatever all day. I leave at 4:30pm. He gets home around 7 or 7:30 pm. He starts making dinner. I get home at 9:30 pm. We eat dinner. We have 45 minutes of talking to each other about everything we can cram in. We go to bed. We try not to talk while lying in bed, though we never succeed, because then he is up for another hour. All in all, on those days, we have 1 hour of time together. I tell him every night, "Don't go to work tomorrow. Stay home and play with me." But I know he can't do that. This Saturday is his one day off this week, and I awesomely have to go to class from 8am-3pm. Life is hard.

The good news: He is on his general surgery rotation right now, and this is the rotation with the worst hours. The other rotations don't go in as early or leave as late.

The other good news: I am only in class for another week and a half.

The other other good news: At least he gets one day off a week. Civilian med students/doctors have it worse. The military is really strict about how many hours a week they can work, and mandates that they all have to have one 24 hour period off every week, to remain combat ready and all.

It hit me yesterday in the middle of the day that this is what life is going to be like for awhile. Him working long hours, me not working long hours, and seeing each other whenever we can. In some ways, it is good. It keeps us missing each other so that when we do have time together, we enjoy it as much as possible. AND, like I told him last night, seeing him face to face and spending time with him for an hour a day is MUCH better than 3 hours on the phone in 2 different states. It is good we had all that long distance practice though, because I know how to be on my own and enjoy myself. I am used to him not being around all the time. But I sure would like it if he was.

I want to always remain positive about the situation and never become bitter that we only see each other a little bit every day and that he only has one day a week off. I want to never become bitter or resentful over that. He is fulfilling a huge goal for his life and that is important. If I were in school or doing something really time consuming that was fulfilling my life goals, he would be beyond supportive. I want to do the same for him.

And also, this rotation is firmenting in his mind that he does not want to be a surgeon. He hates the hours.

Other things:

I really want my test scores back for my Latin test. I am nervous though.

I really want to teach Latin.

On Saturday, I have to present a 3 minute lesson over a procedure I want to teach my class.

I happen to know that the teacher is planting misbehaving students throughout the room to try and mess us up.

How do I know? Because I am one of them.

I am afraid I won't do a good job.

I wish summer would last forever.

Simultaneously, I need a job.

Going to Camp Eagle on Sunday and I am SOOO excited. Good times in the outdoors with old friends.

2 Things

1. CB passed his Step 1 test with a 200!!!!! For those who don't have a clue what I mean by that, click on the link and read what I mean. This is HUGE. It means a hopefully very good chance of CB continuing on in 3rd year. I just want to walk around gloating and say, "See? He knows his stuff." But I am going to try to remain humble, and just say a lot of 'Thank yous' to God, for answering prayers, and continue to hope for the best but prepare myself mentally for the worst.

2. On applying to Christian schools...

Look, I went to a Christian high school. I've been to church and youth group. I really and truly believe in God and Jesus Christ and salvation by faith in God's grace and sacrifice for man's depravity. I do.

BUT. Appyling to Christian schools wears me out thoroughly. (I hear my high school teachers' hearts beating faster as we speak and their gasps of disapproval). I know that being a Christian school and all, it is almost a given that there will be questions about one's beliefs and faith. I know that there will be a point where you have to sign that you will abide by Biblical standards and live your life befitting of the title "Christian." By the way, what does that even mean? Aren't Christians sinners? Aren't Christians capable of falling short and screwing it all up? Don't we tout the idea that the whole impetus for Jesus in the first place is that none of us gets it right? How then can a reasonable Christian sign a statements saying they will abstain from all that is deemed "bad" or "immoral" or "sinful" when it is in their very nature to do so because duh! they recognize their need for God's grace? Anyways, I digress.

What gets me all worn out and want to not teach at a Christian school are the parts where I have to attach an essay about my thoughts and beliefs concerning all of the following:

- use of drugs, tobacco, and alcohol (well, drugs are bad. Alcohol is okay in moderation. And tobacoo kills. So do drugs. In fact, so does alcohol.)

- freedom of speech and censorship (I am a huge proponet of free speech and little censorship).

- pre-marital sexual relations (You know, it's best not to do this. Screws with your emotions and what not and according to the Bible, makes you an adulterer. But again, most of us don't get it right, and if you don't? It makes you a sinner, like everyone else. It doesn't make you a bad person.)

- modesty and appearance (Don't dress like a floozy.)

- divorce and remarriage (My parents are divorced. I think sometimes it is necessary.)

- abortion and euthanasia (Not a fan)

- origins (creation v. evolution) (The neverending debate. But why can't it be both? God created and is involved in the world, but He, in His magnificent wisdom, created complex, beautiful creatures that adapt to their surrounding and make adjustments as necessary).

- homosexuality (I'm all for gay rights. I don't think it is as God intended, but I don't judge, lest my sins be judged by others).

- personal debt (I don't want it. I don't think you're going to hell if you have it)

- honesty and discretion (Honesty is the BEST policy)

- roles of men and women in the home and other ministries (sigh. ROLES IN THE HOME? My husband does the dishes. He cleans. He cooks better than I do. Wtf is this supposed to mean?)

- ENTERTAINMENT (music, television, movies, etc.) (I just have to shake my head at this. Some things are inappropriate, some are not. Choose wisely.)

You want my real answer? I believe that we are all sinners and we are never going to get it right. I believe at some point in our lives, most of us will have some exposure to or experience with one or more, if not all, of the above. I believe that as a Christian, we can recognize where we've gone wrong and do our best to fix it, but, at the end of the day, we are flawed. Thank you, God for your help. Why, school, do you need to know my every little opinion, IN WRITING, of all these things? AND, what if I am a different denomination than you? That would drastically change some of my opinions on these things. Why can't we all just get along? It is always the same with Christians, hung up on the details, missing the big picture.

The last school I taught at was a Christian school. The application was wholly reasonable. I appreciated it even. It asked about drugs and alcohol and homosexuality, etc., but did not nitpick every hot topic in Christianity today. And the school? Had a policy that certain controversial things weren't to be discussed, but referred to the parents. I would prefer that over trying to micro-manage every faculty members' moral beliefs concerning these issues. I mean, some are obvious: abortion, drugs, any illegal behavior, etc. But some aren't so clear these days. I suppose that may be what they are trying to get at.

Anyways. I went into teaching to make a difference in kids' lives, not manage their beliefs. If, in the end, I influence some young people towards heaven, that is spectacular. Amazing even. But in the meantime, I want to help build their self-confidence, self-discipline, their brain, their social skills, and their decision making abilities. I want to make responsible citizens of the world. There are kids out there who don't have loving parents to help them do their homework or get them to school on time, dressed appropriately. For me, it's enough to let those kids know they're loved and wanted somewhere. Why do I love them? Because as a Christian I am called to love them. Do I need to vocalize that for it to happen? No. I simply love them and let God do the rest.

I believe more than anything, God wants us to love people, not judge people. We do our best to get it right, but in the end, it is grace that saves us.

Oh, and I am seriously rethinking applying to this school. Because in truth, I am guilty of participating in some of the aforementioned items. I don't want to have to lie by omitting my own deeds and give a perfect answer. I could write you a perfect answer, sure, but it wouldn't be true to my life and who I am. I know I need a job, but it is more important to me to have a morally clear concious than give the perfect Christian answer, even when I haven't lived by it.

Note: The opinions expressed here are my own, and not reflective of all Christians, or possibly even most Christians. I am genuinely sorry if I have offended you in some way.