Blog Fail

I have failed this blog. BUT, I am going to make an attempt at documenting life being married to a medical student- find me at: http://medicalwife.wordpress.com

Thanks for reading!

Nail Challenge: Week 1

Day 1, 2, and 3? Fabulous. Not a chew. Then it started being the end of the week. I was tired and vulnerable. What was I to do when I got frustrated with students and other things in life?! Bite my nails, naturally. I tried to carefully bite, so as not to make it obvious that I had done anything. I have pretty much sucked it up all day today. So Week 1? Not completely successful, though they are slightly better. I'm starting to think the silly girl in the videos had a point when she said to invest in clippers, a nail file, cuticle ointment, and Sally Hansen Hard as Nails (is that what it is called?). Maybe personal care of the nails makes it easier not to chew... after all, it is the ragged edges I'm going for.

Maybe next week I'll give in to that. Meanwhile, here's pictures:

Until next week.

A New Goal (and something finally worth writing about)

Hello dear friends, if you are still out there!

I haven't written much for a long time now. Mostly because there hasn't been much of anything that was noteworthy. Teaching, taking care of dogs, and enjoying time with my husband has been the run of the mill day for me and I can't seem to turn any of the mundane daily tasks of my life into a funny story lately. Thus, the hiatus.

But alas, I have come upon something to write about.

Here is a bit of backstory: I have a cold. This is, I think, my 4th cold of the year (school year, not 2010 year). I usually get 2 colds a year, minor ones, and move on. It seems, however, that teaching small children has taken a toll on my immune system. My husband on the other hand, believes that teaching small children AND biting my nails have made the dent in my immunity. I can't really argue. He and I go around and around with one another about my nail biting. Never fighting really, but the conversation goes something like this (forgive the excessive lovey names):

CB: "Buunnny! Don't bite your nails"

LB: (removing hand from mouth) "You know that you telling me not to bite my nails does not actually get me to not bite my nails. It has to happen from my own motivation. Not nagging"

CB: "Yea, I know this. But you get sick all the time and I don't want my lovey to feel bad."

LB: "I know this.(long pause) You realize we will probably spend our whole life together having this conversation. You telling me to stop biting my nails and me, forever biting my nails."

CB: "I realize this. But I will continue to fight the power."

So last night, two days into my most recent Rhinovirus, CB sends me the following email at 11:35 pm after he finishes an assignment for medical school (again, forgive the lovey talk... it's just how we work okay?):

Haha! still awake due to just now remembering to do my assignment haha! So I just finished my silly thing and I realized that talked with a patient two weeks ago about nail biting. Part of this assignment (which I finished : ) ) was to come up with some additional things that you could have added to the encounter. I found these youtube videos and I wanted to share them with my bunny because I know she has been having colds more often lately, her teeths are not as strong as she wants them, and her tummy upsets her often (all things caused by nail biting : ) ). These are all things I know my bunny hatez and it makes me want to help! I love you kissy and love the way you are but if you are interested I think these videos are actually pretty decent. The girl is kinda silly but I think she has good ideas and I wrote about some of the tips in my assignment. : ) Love u kissy! Have a super good night of kisses!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q_7zAEHUq0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2bJ3wWtc6E&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUeEwPCB_-g&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4F4MZxq6aA&feature=related

cb ( :3

After receiving said email and watching said videos (the girl is a little silly), I contemplated things for awhile. Nail biting is just what I do. Really. It is. I bite when I'm bored. When I'm thinking. When I'm sad. When I'm nervous. When I have cuticle/skin sticking out. But CB has a point. I get sick a lot lately. The enamel on my teeth sucks. And I do get an upset stomach a lot... I call it my gastrointestinal problems. I kind of wish CB was making it up when he says all those issues are caused by nail biting, but he is the one training to be a doctor, not me. He would know.

So this is my solution: 31 days of not biting my nails. No cheating by getting fake nails on top (mostly because I hate them, and once they get taken off I chew them anyway). I most likely will not follow this girl's advice, but I admire her effort. And, I must record weekly progress via photograph on this blog. I have succeeded in not chewing my nails before, but I always falter. Maybe some accountability will help?

The ultimate goal is not bite my nails anymore. Ever. My biggest problem is that I never start this trek of non-biting believing that I will really never bite again. I always secretly think in the back of my head- "Really? Never chew these again? No way. But I'll try..." Obviously a bad way to start. But, I. Hate. Colds. So for real this time, never again. Will you help me? (Key word: Help. Not nag.)

CB doesn't know I'm starting this challenge. I will email him a link to this post when I'm finished. My request for you, my love, is that you don't nag me about it. Please. Just let me do my own thing.

So here goes:

Day 1. Starting my own personal challenge. Open to helpful suggestions from anyone on how to stop the biting.

Photos:

Right hand on top, left hand below.

Wishing for other people's lives

These days, with things like Facebook and blogging, I have found it has become so easy to be envious of other people's lives- their stuff, their marriages, their everything. It has become so easy to focus on what other people have that we think we don't.

For instance, I look at Facebook at some of my old friends who are married now, and I am envious because their husbands are home. Everyday. Around 5pm. They are done with work and can spend time with their wife and family, should they have one. I am envious because my husband and I do not get that privilege. Currently, I do not get that privilege because CB is back in DC, working on internal medicine. I haven't seen him in 4 weeks, and he won't be back home until April. When he is here, I do not get that privilege because CB works long hours, and sometimes is on-call for 24 hours or more, and sometimes only gets one day off a week and that may not be the weekend. And then when he is here? Sure, we spend time together, but then, he has to study. When CB gets "home" from DC, he will then only be home on the weekends, as he will drive up to another military base in our state and spend the weeks there working on Family Medicine. I often wonder what it would be like to have him come home every day, around 5pm, and be home on the weekends. So easy, to look around and be jealous.

But I have to remind myself: You knew. You said, "Yes. I will stay with you even though we will be long distance for 2 years. Yes. I will marry you knowing fully that you are in medical school and have a long road of long hours in front of you. Yes. I will marry you knowing that you are in the military and that may take you away for weeks and months at a time. Yes. I will marry you." I knew that he would be away for parts of his 3rd and 4th years of medical school. I definitely knew that learning and training to be a doctor is not an easy path and that he would have some weeks of good hours and some weeks of hell. I knew, and so it is not fair that I am jealous.

I also know that one day he will come home at 5pm, and not have to travel all over the US to different military hospitals for clerkships for weeks at a time. I know that he has chosen a specialty (99.9% sure of what he wants to do) that will allow him to have a regular family life. It will not take him away suddenly for a medical emergency (mostly). I know that he will be around one day, home at 5pm, ready to eat dinner and spend time with our family. In the meantime, I must try to be happy for my friends, and patient with CB and I's situation, knowing that it will all come out even in the end.

I LOVE March, Friends, and and update on CB and medicine

So, I have been more than absent lately, and for that you have my apologies.

I got out of the post-wedding, disgruntled blues, and hey- I made friends! Yay friends! Since then, well, I've been busy and have neglected not just this blog, but my computer in general. I live on my iphone. Lame, I know.

It's March now, and let me tell you guys. I LOVE March. I do. I love it because it brings Spring, it brings Spring Break, it brings 3 months or less until Summer, it brings sunshine and flowers and I LOVE sunshine and flowers. March is like one big Friday, and if you know me, you know I dearly love Fridays.

Let me catch you up on life prior to March.

I became friends with some of the people I work with at school, which has been extraordinarily nice since I have been lonely here in this city for awhile. With one of them, I drink margaritas, eat good food, play iphone games, and generally chat it up. With another, I drink wine and limoncello (because her husband makes it in their pantry- hilarious), eat really good homemade food, talk about history and classical studies and generally chat it up. With yet another, I randomly stop by her office, chat it up, complain about minor things, and see her updates to her new house. I like all of these people very much. Though it may seem kind of silly to be so excited about new friends, I have no regrets being so excited because it is not often you find people you CAN be friends with. I mean, high school and college are where most of us find our friends we keep for life, and while that is spectacular and amazing, we don't get to take those friends everywhere we go. Therefore we must learn to make new ones. I am so happy I have.

I have been sick. Twice now. And I am getting a little sick of it.

I have written dozens of thank-yous and yes, I am still writing and really hoping people aren't cursing that one bride who hasn't written them a thank-you yet. I am working on people. I really am. I have a process. Parent's friends first. Family next. Then close personal friends and co-workers. Parent's friends first because they tend to be the most old school and grouchy about it. But I promise. You are getting your thank-yous. Besides, I have heard there is a 3 month window, and it has only been 2 months. I have also heard a year window. I like that one, but don't want people to get angry at me.

I have been helping my husband choose a specialty in which to do his residency. He would be a phenomenal surgeon, let me tell you. He has surgeon's hands. You should really see them, they're beautiful. His undergrad degree is in mechanical engineering, which means, really, that he loves to take things apart and put them back together. And he's good at it (unless of course, it's the brakes on his car and it is the night before his internal medicine clerkship and he is still working at 11pm and is having complications... but that is a whole other story). He was fascinated and intrigued by surgery and by all accounts, he should definitely go for surgery. But. Then again. He's married. And wants children. And wants to do some of the things his dad did for him (he has a wonderful father). To which I respond: I will support you in whatever you end up doing, I will. But you need to realize that should you choose surgery, you don't get to be that kind of dad for a long time. And you will be absent. A lot. Especially for the first several years. So if you choose this, I will love and support you, and miss you a lot, as will any children we have in the future. Surgery is hardcore medicine and I do not want to be the reason he misses out on it, but at the same time, sacrifices have to come from somewhere and those sacrifices will be all of his time and energy.

So that left internal medicine and family medicine. Internal medicine bores him slightly. He does not like seeing the same age group or type of patient over and over, which in this case is 60+. But family medicine, in the military? Now that is slightly different. Family medicine in the Army means working daily with the soldiers and their families. It means developing a relationship with them. It means getting to do minor procedures like removing toenails and small cysts. It even means doing gyn exams (his least favorite of all these options). It means good hours and having a family outside of medicine. It means seeing commonplace illnesses and fascinating weird stuff. It means he has the potential to be attached to a unit and serve as the medical advisor for all those men and women. It means he will get to do medicine, and love medicine, and no it's not the hardcore kind, but it's the meaningful kind and that is what matters to him. So that is his unofficial, official decision. This summer and fall he will interview for residencies and we will know in December where Family Medicine will take us.

Oh yea, and to those on the student promotions committee who had such little faith in him, here are just a a few of the comments made about CB concerning his rotations:

During his cardio-thoracic surgery clerkship, "C has operated on the level one would expect of an intern and will undoubtedly become a fine physician."

"C was mature, organized, and successful in all settings. Perhaps one of his greatest strengths is his ability to adapt and to take feedback well."

In the clinic, it was noted that he had "good rapport with families, was very personable, and accepts feedback well."

"a dedicated team member with good follow through on patients and often volunteered to take on extra, complicated patients."

And that is just a few. I am so so so proud of him. Clinical settings were exactly what he needed to prove himself, and he has said so many times over that he has learned infinitely more while working with patients than he did from the classroom.

They definitely like him in the hospitals, that's for sure.

More frequent updates to come. Now that it's March, I am in a much better mood.

Post-Wedding, Post-honeymoon, disgruntled blues

Annnd, I'm back.

The wedding was wonderful, and one of these days I will find the motivation to post some pictures here soon. Aside from my step-grandmother violently grabbing my arm and telling me that my stepfather was a more of a father to me than my biological father right before the first dance, the whole thing went off without a hitch (still pissed about the comment though- who says that to a bride ON HER WEDDING DAY?!!?!).

The honeymoon was fan-freaking-tastic as well. We had a world of trouble, literally, getting to Rome, but once there it was heavenly. I frequently wish we were still on our honeymoon on a day to day basis. Being back in the "real" world has been a little rough. CB started his internal medicine rotation and oh my, has that been my worst nightmare. These are the worst hours he has had to work thus far and I miss him all the time. This could also be my hormones speaking dramatically as my period is just days away... either way, he's gone a lot and I haven't been coping as well as I used to. Our dining room table is covered in wedding gifts that have been opened but need to be sorted and put away (glasses, glasses, more glasses, dishes, crystal, etc.) and quite frankly, I don't have a place for it all yet. So there it has remained on the dining room table. And, there are hundreds of thank-yous to write. Starting with the showers that were thrown for me in the very late fall. I'm a little overwhelmed.

Add to this the fact that I teach 3rd-5th graders, and you have one disgruntled LB. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my job and I love the kids I teach. I love the people I work with. But, I do not like teaching basic Latin day after day. I want to teach the gooood stuff. The Latin 2 and 3 stuff. The fun stuff. The can't help but get excited because OMG I am reading REAL LATIN.

And then again, maybe I am just all out of whack because everything in my world has been out of whack for the last month.

Possibly exacerbating the problem and my loneliness with CB working long hours is the fact that all my dear friends live elsewhere. I have friends here, sure, but they are work friends that I don't really hang out with regularly outside of school. I have one good friend from high school down here, but she is also married and spends the vast majority of her time hanging out with her husband who doesn't so much work the long hours on a regular basis. It is hard to find friends who will spontaneously go to the movies with you, or dinner, or lunch, or hunt through the racks at Ann Taylor Loft to find you cute clothes for a good deal. People you can call on a moment's notice who will say, "Yea, sure. I'll go with you." I had that in my last city, when CB and I were long distance. I had that in college. I don't have it anymore.

So, here I am. Married to a wonderful man who has a job that requires much of his time and energy, a job for which I respect him greatly, but am jealous of the time it takes. Living in a city I like (on most days, if I'm not driving). Working a job that isn't so much fulfilling like I want it to be. Overwhelmed by the generosity of friends and family and befuddled by where to store it and the amount of thanks I have yet to express. And lonely.

It's been a rough go of it since I've been back in the States.

Bad blogger with excuses

T-6, pretty much 5 by now, days until the WEDDING. And once it's all over, I will be able to breath... and blog... regularly again.

Tomorrow is my second to last day of work before I head up to Dallas to take care of final preparations and get ready to marry my wonderful husband, again, in a chapel with a minister this time. : )

I am so excited for the day, and yet so excited for the day to be over so that my life can just be centered around teaching, cheer coaching and hanging out. No more wedding thoughts hanging out in the bag of my mind, crowding my schedule.

And, I've almost finished my first whole semester in a new place! Teaching elementary kids! Coaching middle school girls! Without the immediate presence of my friend and mentor PR to tell me what to do. I survived on my own, and, from what my co-workers tell me, I've settled in nicely. It brings relief to my heart and soul to know I can do this on my own.

Now... December 19, please get here.

PS: CB has conveniently returned to his medical school for mandatory meetings and classes until Thursday. Way to escape, sir, way to escape. : )

Mean People Suck

During the wee hours of this morning, I was verbally attacked via a comment on my facebook status.

In all fairness to the other girl, I don't know her very well. It may have been her way of "joking around," or some kind of odd playful chiding. I went to high school with her and we never really associated with one another, though I always had the distinct feeling that she didn't like me. Or thought I was somehow really dumb or superficial- not caring about anything but stupid crap. All of course, based on her assumptions about me because I happened to be a boy crazy cheerleader. And all of these are, of course, my own assumptions about what she thought about me because she was never all too friendly or nice to me and I never really took the time to get to know her. Alas, see where assumptions get us? Absolutely nowhere.

Anyway, I digress. The insult was this:

My status at the time said: Lauren _____ is listening to glorious classical Christmas music, drinking hot chocolate and admiring the tree she and CB just decorated.

Her comment in the wee hours of the morning was:

How very stepford of you. congrats.

Upon reading this at one something this morning, I was mortified. Stepford? All I know about that word is that it is meant to be an offensive way of describing a wife. So I googled it. Urbandictonary.com told me that "stepford wife is "used to describe a servile, compliant, submissive, spineless wife who happily does her husband's bidding and serves his every whim dutifully"

or

Can also be used to describe a wife who is cookie-cutter & bland in appearance and behavior. Subscribes to a popular look and dares not deviate from that look.

I don't mean to be particular here, but neither of those is very flattering to me. The "congrats" part on the end especially made it snappy, as if I meant to sound self-involved and super proud of myself. If this had come from a close friend, I probably wouldn't have been so offended, but seeing as how it came from someone I hardly know I was indeed personally offended.

What does she even know about me?

Does she know my husband cooks most meals?

Does she know that I love teaching and working with kids?

Does she know that my heart aches for those affected by genocide and will vehemently oppose it and all other forms of hatred for as long as I live?

Does she know that I believe in loving people as they are?

Does she know that my husband is my best friend, not someone for whom I am completely servile and spineless?

Does she know that I desire to genuinely make a difference in this world?

Does she know that I happen to love Christmas and enjoy decorating for it every year and simply like to relish the moment?

Does she know that I have feelings?

Does she know that I have never had anything against her?

I would like to say that I took the high road in this situation and simply ignored it. But I didn't.

I wrote back something snappy and probably equally as childish. What is it about meanness that brings out the worst reactions in us, and why is it so effing hard to take the high road?

Gratitude

When I was a child, my mom taught me that one of the best ways to talk myself out of anxiety, worry or sadness was to make a gratitude list.

I am not by any means anxious, worried, or sad right now, but something about this time of year makes me want to make a gratitude list everyday. Perhaps it is because Thanksgiving is just a mere 2.5 weeks away.

Today I am thankful for having a job, and not only having a job, but having a job at a Christian school where I feel welcome and loved, where I feel like I can truly teach the kids and have them receive something, where Christianity isn't something that is preached at you or legalistic, but loving and embracing and kind. I am grateful that I get to go to work everyday, even on Mondays, even though I hate Mondays.

Oops, I fell off the face of the earth

So, last I posted was, umm, Sept 29. And you will notice the above date says it is, um, Oct. 14.

So much for recording a positive and negative item every day, but rest assured, I have mentally noted them.

Basically planning a wedding and teaching 9 classes and coaching cheerleaders has consumed all my time. Oh, and somewhere in there, I am actually married. But it's all good.

I have nothing fabulously interesting to record right now either, except that I turn 25 in a week and a half and that officially makes me an "Adult" and not a "young adult." In my world at least. Getting a real job didn't. Getting married didn't. Living in a house didn't. But geez- TWENTY-FIVE. If I live to be a hundred then a quarter of my life has passed me by already.

What a sobering thought. I can't get any of those years back. Granted, some I would not like to have. The Past can keep them, but there are many days and years which I would like to live again- just to relive the good moments, good times, important moments, life-changing moments.

For instance:

In the nearer Past, I would like to relive the day CB asked me to marry him. What a glorious day that flew by and now all I have left to cherish is my memory of it. And a ring. And a marriage. But whatever, it would be nice to have the day to do again too. Just for fun. You spend your whole life anticipating this one moment, and then it's gone. Forever.

I would like to relive driving around town one winter day in high school when the roads were slightly icy. I was with my cheerleading friends and we were going to the library to work on a research paper. We sang loudly and badly in my 1986 Mercedes 190E which had a trunk you had to sit on to unlock it and a cooling fan you had to unplug when it was parked and not running lest you run the battery down.

I would like to relive getting accepted to college.

I would like to relive my freshman year of college with my fabulous roommate SB, who has become my friend for life. And yes, whore, I would even like to relive taking you to the hospital when you had mono. Though I am confident you would not relive that year like I would.

I would like to relive cheering with my high school cheerleading squad in competitions and being so phenomenally good at stunting with my stunt group. We were amazing. Not even lying.

I would like to relive senior year of college. Over and over. I mean, the first part was a bit rough, what with a messy breakup and all. But the months that followed? Heavenly. It was a lot of work, but man, I loved school. I loved hanging out with my friends. I loved being an RA. I started to date CB. I got a real job in January, months before I graduated.

I would NOT like to relive, however, the summer after graduation. I cried. All the time. I mourned my college career. I mourned being in the same city with CB. I worried. I felt lonely. I was a mess.

But these past two, now two and half years? Have been excellent overall, if I do say so myself. Not that there hasn't been "bad" because there has. But I have learned a lot.

There were moments in that summer after I graduated from college that I thought to myself, "Eff. The best years of my life are over now."

And moments after CB and I got married that I thought, "Eff. Now what do I have to look forward to? (besides the actual wedding) All the big stuff is over now."

But, life keeps surprising me, and I keep trying to be hopeful that there are many more exciting moments to come. After all, the pinnacle of life can't be in the first 25 years can it? I sure hope not. How depressing.

Brief middle of the week words

Yesterday's good thing: ?....?....? I mean, it's not that everything was bad... it is just that I can't think of any good.

Today's good thing: I finished my lesson plans for next week... EARLY! They are due by end of tomorrow and I finished them today!!

My issue is this lately:

I leave school every day, good or bad day, and reminisce on what it was like to teach older kids and how much I miss older kids. And then I end up asking myself: Why am I teaching young kids? What on earth is my purpose here? Do I need to be teaching this young of age group? I must be here for a reason... but what is it?

And so far my answers have come up something like this: ....uhh.... ?????

So right now? I am praying for the answer to WHY on earth I am teaching 3rd-5th graders when I feel so clearly cut out for middle school/high school.

Meanwhile, I like driving my car fast. And CB and I finally caught up on housework. We scrubbed our house and our cars clean this weekend. It was heavenly. I did no schoolwork but I live in a mighty clean house lately.

The Sunshine after the Rainz.

Well, I must say thank you to those who sent me encouraging emails, made encouraging comments on my facebook and left encouraging comments here. I woke up feeling more like I could face the world/the parent and didn't dread driving to school.

Which brings me to today's good thing/bad thing.

Good thing:

Not related to the school I teach at now, but instead related to my old school...

I logged onto facebook this afternoon. One of my former students (as I allow them to friend me since I no longer work at their school, AND they are strictly on limited view for me) had this status message:

Suzy Good Student: misses Ms. C sooooooooooooooooo much.

With these comments below:

Darling Child: ugh me too!!!

Darling Child 2: so bad!!!!!!!!!!!

So, while not related to my day to day job right now... it is safe to say that this brightened my whole week.

Good thing related to the school I teach at now:

I have a phenomenal boss and head of school who both have been tremendously supportive of me in this minor ordeal of meeting with this parent. Both have lifted me up and encouraged me and let me know that this kind of thing is really actually a regular thing with this parent. And the head of school said he is going to sit in on the meeting with the parent tomorrow, not because I can't handle it, but because she is the type of woman who can get... you know... mean.

I also work at an incredible school where we are allowed to pray openly for one another and I had an entire faculty of elementary, middle and high school teachers pray for me this morning as they knew I was having a bad week and a hard time with a parent. It made my eyes quite teary.

Bad thing/thing to work on: I need to shower. And my effing eye hurts... again.... And I REALLY need to write lesson plans because they are late. But, simultaneously, another good thing because my boss told me not to stress about that right now and not to be hard on myself and that it will get done when I have the right amount of time to do it, and in the mean time she knows I am doing a good job and preparing for my classes.

Anyway, thank all of you for you support and encouragement in all the different forms you gave it in. It really really lifts my heart and soul. And I was reminded today that compliments are great and so very uplifting, but when we become too dependent on them to validate us, it then becomes way too easy to bring us down with one negative comment/parent. Which is a nice reminder to have.... though not a pleasant one.

Today certainly was an improvement. Thank you.

Delayed posting

Hi. I've been missing NOT because I was forgetting to write, but because every time I tried Blogger told me that my password was incorrect. And I assure you, it was NOT incorrect at all.

Anyway, I owe something like 3 days worth of good things/bad things... and let me tell you, bad things are a-stacking up on me right now.

So here we go:

Monday, 9/21:

Good thing: I did not snap at anyone out of frustration and I did not cry in morning faculty devotion (not that I usually do... it is just that this particular day I felt like crying and I think it is good that I held it in during that particular time)

Bad thing/need to improve: How on earth do I get the 4th graders to understand that I'm not trying to ruin their life? I just want them to know what they need to know so that we can move onto new, fun things.

Tuesday, 9/22:

Good thing: A girl I teach randomly surprised me first thing in the morning with a small Hershey's bar. And I got some good hugs from my students and from cheerleaders. And I didn't have to teach my fourth grade class that I seem to be miscommunicating with.

Bad thing/thing to improve: I need to make my lesson plans online FAR more consistent. Because I never know how fast or slow my class is going to move, I end up not assigning things and then assigning new things and basically it doesn't really match up with what it says online- which the parents check... of course.

Today, Wednesday, 9/23:

Good thing:

I got to hang out with my friend in the upper school for an hour when I had a break today. You know. To vent. The fifth graders seemed to understand what I was talking about today. The third graders did well for the most part on their very first vocabulary quiz!

Bad thing/thing to improve:

I got an email from a mom whose daughter I coach in cheerleading and whose son I teach Latin. She wanted to arrange a meeting with me, which of course I went ahead and set up. When I asked what the meeting was going to be about, she informed me that her kids were originally so enthusiastic about me but that enthusiasm has waned as they have heard me make "negative comments" about their previous coaching/teaching. And that young boy is particularly down about Latin because I had said something to the effect of: you all never work hard in Latin and that is going to change. And she went on to say that a perception is being created about me and that perception is fact in the mind of those who hold it. Ouch. Granted, she also said she thought they might be misunderstanding me and so they should listen more closely, etc.

Still though, I was flabbergasted. And hurt. And feel exactly like it looks outside: grey, cold and rainy. And my first instinct is to defend myself and my actions. I would never intentionally be negative about their prior coaching or teaching, and if I had said anything it would be that their previous teacher did the very best she could and we are going to work to get them where they need to be. And I LOOOOVE the girls' previous cheer coach. She is the best friend I have at that school. Anyway, so the meeting isn't until Friday but I don't know if I can wait that long to address this. I called the mom and left a voicemail saying that I would really like a chance to just briefly speak with her and hear more about the situation. I spoke with my mentor and friend in my old city about it and she said to not defend myself no matter how badly I want to... just to listen to what the woman has to say and say, "Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. That is not at all what I intended to get across and I will do my best to monitor my words better than I have in these first 3 weeks of school. Thank you." Because really... it doesn't do me any good to explain myself or defend my own actions.

Nevertheless... it sucks. And it hurts. And I am just sitting on the verge of tears perpetually this evening. And how lame is it that ONE person, ONE parent, out of 149 sets of parents, can ruin my whole day? How infuriating is it that one person's actions out of the several who are telling me that I am doing a good job, can make me feel like the worst teacher on the planet? How stupid is it that right before I received that email on my BlackBerry, I had just been told by another parent- face to face- that her daughter says Latin is her favorite subject every day. That her daughter loves it, and that as soon as I received and read that email, I immediately forgot those kind, encouraging words. I know there are many who could just let it slide off their back and not think twice. I am not one of those people. I have accepted this fact about myself. But geez I long for a day when I can open my email and not have a heart attack when I see emails from parents.

Yesterday and Today

I forgot to post yesterday. Why? Because I fell asleep at 8:30pm. No lie. On accident. I wasn't exactly planning on going to bed then. I just did.

So, yesterday's good thing:

The cheerleaders did not huddle into groups during the football game and overall they cheered TOGETHER, like, the motions and everything. Fantastic.

Yesterday's NEEDS IMPROVEMENT thing:

Patience. Patience. And Patience. I believe this may come up a lot this year. I thought I was impatient when I taught middle school. I am finding that I indeed have some patience, but seriously? I can only say things so many times to 3rd and 4th graders. I need to improve my patience with the small childrens. And with the cheerleaders.

Today's good thing:

I think I taught 3rd graders how to conjugate a verb in Latin in a way that quaesi-makes sense. I don't know if they will remember it on Monday, but I think that they at least got what I was talking about today.

Today's needs improvement:

My attitude. I had a bad attitude today about teaching elementary age children. I just felt bitter because I often miss teaching the older ones. I miss being able to say things and not having 18 pairs of eyes staring at me like I'm speaking Arabic. I miss not have to count down from 10 every time I give a direction. I miss not having to directly tell the students how to fill in the blanks on a worksheet I hand out. I miss having students that KNOW how to study.

So today my attitude was crappy. Not going to lie.

An idea

So, someone once told me that a good thing to do when teaching is to keep a journal of at least one good thing that has happened every day. And one thing that could've been done better. Since my life is currently school and cheerleading and I haven't got a lot else to document here, I am going to attempt to write my one good thing and my one thing I could've done better every day here.

Today's good thing (though not super classroom related):

One of the school's secretaries (aka: woman who knows all information I could need) knows how to do calligraphy. I have desperately been wanting my invitations to be addressed in calligraphy, but it didn't fit in our budget. She offered her services to me today and when I offered to pay her she was insistent that I not "hire" her, but that it would be her joy and pleasure to do it free of charge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!

Of course, I will do SOMETHING super nice to thank her.

An extra good thing (that IS classroom related):

During one of my fifth grade classes- particularly the one that always looks at me like I'm from another planet when I talk about Latin- gave me great encouragement today. After giving helpful hints for how to recognize person, number and tense in a verb, a girl raises her hand and says: "Mrs. B. You make complete sense. That last 5 minutes you were talking is the best I've ever understood this."

And others chimed in, with one girl saying, "Yea, I can't believe I ever thought this was hard."

What a relief, especially after my "what I need to do better" for today...

What I need to do better:

Find a way to explain Latin verbs/conjugating to third graders without making them want to cry.

Also:

I need to make "guided notes" for the students to follow along with and fill in as I teach. Since I think their curriculum sucks (which it kind of does) and since elementary students don't really know how to properly take notes/write on the paper in a spatially correct way... guided notes- made by yours truly- would be helpful.

Not a whole lot to say

I don't have much to say currently. Life is busy. Busy enough that I currently can't remember what I even did in my morning classes today.

But I can tell you that I spent 30 minutes teaching 3rd graders how to properly make Latin flashcards yesterday. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I now teach elementary school. Who knew that someone has to teach kids how do stuff that seems so second nature to older kids (middle school even!) and adults? It's a different world down here, that's for sure.

Wait? When did this happen?

The wedding is only 97 days away. Wtf.

Oh, hello there.

It has been a long while since I wrote.

Such is the life of a teacher. Once the start of school approaches, all else fades to black.

But here I am, nearing the end of the first week.

And I made it. Made it long at last.

And it is good.

I think about fresh starts at the start of the school year. Clean slates. Freshly sharpened pencils. A new beginning.

Appropriately, on the second day of school it rained. Precious water poured from the sky and hasn't really stopped since. To many, rain is all doom and gloom. But in a city that hasn't seen substantial rain in what I have heard is well over a year... the rain is a glorious prize. And to my husband, it brings hope that the water restrictions will end soon and he can wash his car and water our lawn whenever he wants.

I teach 8 year olds now. And 10 year olds. And that funky year in between, the 9 year olds. Shocking to me, but maybe not to others, is that 9 and 10 year olds are not really all that different from the 12/13 year olds I used to have. They are simply packaged in smaller bodies. And they don't rattle on about the Jonas Brothers (which I was okay with when it happened because it meant they were sharing something they loved with me, and I loved that).

I feel confident. And I feel thankful. Thankful for 2 prior years of teaching experience at my old school. Thankful for the amazing professor, mentor and friend who gently guided me in the direction of teaching Latin. Thankful for getting to teach with her, learn from her- and many other very capable Latin teachers- who have filled my mind and my repetoire with many good teaching strategies and ways to make Latin engaging. Thankful for teaching at a school which allowed me to grow and mature as a teacher. Mind you, I still have much growing to do and much learning to do about being a teacher, but those 2 years and even that pesky and simultaneously helpful institute I had to attend this summer have prepared me to begin my 3rd year of teaching. My 3rd year which is a lot like a first year in that I am at a new school, teaching a different age group, and a different curriculum. But this time I started with confidence and excitement and that has made all the difference from a brand new college graduate rookie teacher and a 3rd year rookie teacher.

I am thankful for all the encouragement I have recieved.

The teachers who have told me that their students have had nothing but good things to say about me: Mrs. B is so cool. Mrs. B rocks. I like Latin. So on and so on.

The students who asked their classroom teacher if I could stay just a little bit longer... to talk about Latin.

The parents who have stopped me as I walked by their car to tell me that all they heard about on the first day was how awesome that new Latin teacher is.

The teachers who are also parents whose kids I teach who have told me in the teacher workroom: My child adores you. All he (HE! A BOY! A BOY STUDENT WHO LIKES ME!) talked about was Latin.

The school nurse who stopped me on the sidewalk and said, "I heard you're an amazing teacher."

I say all this not to toot my own horn or brag about how awesome I am. I say it here because I am shocked. I am humbled. I never thought, I never imagined that I could teach and do it well. I say it here because there are many days, many times when these compliments bolster my confidence and keep me going when I feel most discouraged. I say it here because maybe some parents read this, and maybe they have a kid who really enjoys their teacher, and maybe they will think to pass on the kind words to their child's teacher. We teachers don't often hear from parents that we do a good job. We hear good things about teaching in general, of course. Teachers change lives. Teachers make a difference. Blah blah blah. But to hear a kind word or compliment from the parent of one of the very children sitting in your class is like magic. Just one can keep a teacher going for a month.

I thank God every day for putting me where I am at. Somehow, my whole life, God has had a magical (or I suppose you could say divine) way of showing me exactly what I need to do. It's not like a burning bush spoke or anything. It is more like I asked for some guidance and an opportunity and then one comes. I prayed for a way (aka: money) to stay at my outrageously expensive university which I loved so dearly, and the day after my freshman year of college ended my step-aunt generously and very randomly handed my mother a check for half of my college tuition for the rest of my time there. Not one of us asked her for the money or told her we needed it. I prayed for some guidance for what I should do in life. My college Latin professor said I should teach Latin. I scoffed. She said it again a year later when when I was fretting about what to do in life now that I was a senior in college. All my life my jobs have been working with people. Particularly young people. And suddenly there was an opportunity at the same private school my professor taught at on the side. Every other door shut. It was clear.

2 years later here I am. I prayed all summer for a job. I fretted. I worried. I also knew that no matter what, there was a reason and a purpose for why I was waiting on a job. And then I got a phone call from the head of the school which I now work at.

One of the parents had passed along my resume. She had gotten it from someone who worked at my old school. The head of school said he didn't exactly have a position, but could I come in and sit down and chat and talk about possibilities. They had a lower school Latin teacher already. But she didn't really know Latin. She knew Spanish. The upper school needed a Spanish teacher. They hadn't been planning on moving her to the upper school... but then they recieved my resume, and by the way, how did I feel about 3rd-5th graders?

And so here I am. Thank you, God, for always making it clear.

Good News

gYAY! The board reviewed CB this morning and reversed their previous decision. CB GETS TO STAY IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!They said that they are very very happy with his Step 1 performance and the rest of his 2nd year grades (which they hadn't seen when they evaluated him in June) and they think he will have a successful 3rd year. He is on probation but as long as he has a successful 3rd year and passes Step 2 (next summer) he will come off of it before 4th year.

Thank you for your prayers and good vibes. Thank you, God, for your grace and answered prayer.

2 Months of being Married

Today marks 2 months of officially being married to CB.

What did I think about when I first woke up this morning?

I turn 25 exactly 2 months from today. I realized, oh, 4 hours later that it is ALSO the 2 month marker. I'm an awesome wife.

Thoughts on the first 2 months?

Well, living in a house with someone else is a lot of work. And compromise. Or you do neither and you end up with a pile of dishes in the sink and you don't do laundry for 3-ish weeks. Luckily, neither CB nor I are extreme sticklers for having everything look perfect all the time. Thank you God. Our house isn't nasty by any means. But yea, laundry takes a back seat. We forget to take out the trash to the road EVERY SINGLE WEEK. BOTH TIMES. And then, one of us finally remembers the day before and we end up with Trash City at the end of our driveway. Seriously. Trashiest neighbors on the block. In that respect. We just took the trash to the road last night for the first time in say, 2 weeks? Maybe 3? (Note: We do indeed take the trash out of our trashcans several times a week. But it goes outside in the big trashcan. And next to the trashcan. And in the big cardboard boxes that all our new china came in. You get the picture. And that trash pile? Not visible to neighbors or from inside our house.)

Mostly CB and I agree on how things should be cleaned and when things should be cleaned. If he comes home and I forgot (read: didn't feel like) doing the dishes that morning. He doesn't flip out or think I'm the worst wife ever. He just shrugs and says he doesn't judge me. Then I do the dishes because I think, gosh, what a marvelous husband.

We are currently going through the pre-marital counseling that couples normally go through actually pre-maritally. We, obviously, are already married. But no bother. Our chaplain is awesome and supports us already being married and does pre-marital/marital counseling with us anyway. Via Skype. Part of the process is these 3 tests. We have taken them already and the first one we are working with in our session is the personality test. I am an INFP. Yea. Funky letters that mean: Introvert. Intuition. Feelings. Perception. This apparently means that I recharge myself, my batteries, if you will, by being alone. I don't mind being sociable, but I definitely need a lot of me time to feel centered. Intuition is my means of gathering information. I follow my intuition more so than sensory perception (yea, I dont really know what that means either.) Feelings indicates how I make decisions. Anyone who knows me could've guessed this. And Perception is.... something that I can't remember. Yea. So, that's me. CB? Complete opposite. He is an ENTJ. The only thing we have in common is that Intuition business. Basically he recharges by being around people, he makes decisions based on thinking, and um... Judgment is his last one and again, who knows whatever that indicates.

All that to say, that in the past 2 weeks we have spent a great deal of time discussing and observing differences in our personalities and how things work with each of us. It has been interesting. Basically CB is the rational problem solver. I am the feeling, introspective, let's mull for awhile different sort. And as one could guess, we don't handle most things the same. So we spend a great deal of time figuring out how we will communicate with one another best and how we will handle conflict. CB is the one, it turns out, who is having to be the most flexible in learning to work with me. But he is great at it.

Overall? The past 2 months have been wonderful, though not perfect. We have argued. I have indeed cried because my feelings were hurt. Our house has been perfectly clean and immaculate, and then it has been very... lived in. He has had to ask me to spend a little bit less money. I have had to ask him to please, please, please remember to shut the shower curtain when he gets out of the shower and remember to pick the floor towel up off the floor. But I do love it. And I love him. And I look forward to learning more about how exactly to be married to him.

Oh... and this other thing. CB flys out this afternoon to go back to DC. Tomorrow morning he is having his appeal meeting with the promotions board at his school. Remember way back when everything fell apart and he was recommended for disenrollment, but that he would start 3rd year and he would take the Step 1 and depending on his performance there things may or may not turn out okay? Well, this is the follow meeting where they review his Step 1 score and all the other grades they didn't see thus didn't include in their assessment of him last time. Luckily, his Step 1 score is great and those other grades include several Bs in very important classes. But still. I don't exactly trust the board or the dean who is continually assuring CB that things are going to turn out fine since he did well on Step 1. After all, he was assured by that same dean last time that he would be fine. And then he wasn't.

So here I am again, asking you to pray, cross your fingers, rub your rabbit's foot that things go well for CB. He has done a phenomenal job in 3rd year so far. The doctors supervising him and working with him have loved him and given him much praise for how much he knows and what a good attitude he has and how he is skilled. If only that word could get back to board in time. Anyways. Please pray and send good vibes out into the world that things go okay for CB. I appreciate it, thanks.